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Monday, August 31, 2009

Yes. Yes I am.

Funny moment today. At eleven weeks I am starting to show already! How depressing is that? I have been wearing looser, more flow-y-ish clothes, but there is definitely a bump there. So I suppose I should not have been really surprised today when walking across campus I ran into a student from last Fall and had the following conversation:

Me: "How are you? How has your summer been?"
Student: "Good. It was great. How are you?"
Me: "I'm good."
Student: "Are you...pregnant?"

My face must have said it all, because he immediately began scrambling. However, it got worse before it got better.

Student: "I just mean....You were always super skinny."
Me: Saying nothing, just letting him fluster
Student: "I are still super skinny but it just looks like there is a bump there. It's a cute bump, even if it's not cause you are pregnant. I mean...gosh...this isn't something you should ever say is it? I just....I really hope you are pregnant."

Lucky for him I am. Just for a moment though - had I been able to act indignant enough I might have let him think he had done what he thought he might have done. He gave me a real headache over a paper once, and if I could have mustered up the acting skills to be mortally offended and let him be horrified I would have chalked it up to karma.

But I couldn't. So I owned up. Let him take his foot out of his mouth and graciously accepted his congratulations.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

"Books let us into their souls, and lay bare for us the secrets of our own"

Last May while traveling in California, I met a stunning woman, named Suzanne. She is the sister of a mutual friend we were traveling with and she was kind enough to entertain all of us for a lovely evening at her home. As we visited she and I talked and talked about books. We created and exchanged reading lists with one another and as I left she actually pulled a book off her shelf and gave it to me, with the caveat that I would email her when I read it and share my thoughts. The book is one of the most complex I have ever read.
It is fabulous and heartbreaking. In fact, I haven't finished reading it yet because I can only read it in small sets of time, otherwise it all seems too much to consider. I can't put my finger on why it is so moving to me yet. It is horrifying and terrible and so relatable at the same time. The characters are deeply flawed, and while I am so dissapointed in their continual bad decisions, I also find myself reading with urgency to see what they will do next.

I am the first to admit that it is never good to blindly recommend a book, and I have not finished it yet. But I am DYING to discuss it with someone. I would choose it for my book club pick, but have a feeling that the conversation about it wouldn't go far with some of the members based on the fact that the book is rooted in the story of Frank Llyod Wright & Mamah Borthwick Cheaney's affair. It is a pretty conservative club and I am just not sure it would go over well. Not that the book makes you an advocate for affairs, like I said, I find myself continually frusterated and disgusted by the decisions the characters make. But the book does bring up a lot of complex, very human emotions that I think should be considered: feminism, a 'woman's place,' maternal love vs. romantic love, self-justification and denial, the way individuals can 'fall' into things, duty, obligation and so much more. Not to mention that the writing is absolutely lovely.

Anyhow - I just read another segment, and the overspill of emotion that resembles something like "what do I do with this" is probably what this post is born out of. I truly am resisting the urge to send out mass emails and texts ordering you all to read it and report your thoughts back to me.

Friday, August 28, 2009

You look like a......

Trevor and I are watching "Heros Season 3," streaming it on Netflix this afternoon. Because I married a geek we have a computer piped through our big screen TV, so we are a big fan of streaming netflix on-line. So we are watching. Rather, Trevor is watching and I am sleeping. Just as the episode ends I wake up and start to sit up.

Trevor: looks at me and says "You look like a mermaid right now."
Me: "A mermaid?"
Trevor: "Yeah, a mermaid."
Me: "On the couch?"
Trevor: "Yeah. A mermaid on the couch."

Husbands are so weird.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


Last time we were at the doctor, while looking at the ultrasound, the doctor told me if the baby always moves as much as it was in the picture I should start to feel flutters soon, maybe even in the next week or two.

Last night there was the oddest sensation in my stomach. I don't know how to really explain it - other than maybe if there was someone blowing a bubble in my stomach the bubble popped. Not in a painful way - but just like there was some sort of quick expansion and then decrease. I have felt the same feeling once this morning.

I have no idea what it my question is for all you mommies out there, what does a flutter feel like?

Friday, August 21, 2009

A Baby Story

You may recall that a couple of months ago I blogged about my conflicting emotions of starting a family anytime soon. It is true that the idea of having a baby has come up a few times in the last couple of years and Trev and I flirted with the possibility - but always decided that it wasn't something we were ready for quite yet. For a couple of reasons:

1 - Just before we were married I was told that it would be really difficult for me to get pregnant because I have a "disoriented uterus." Don't you love that term? Makes it sound like my uterus was bonked on the head and has a concussion and is absently wandering around in my body. While the doctor at that time told me I could probably carry a baby if I were to get pregnant she indicated that it may take an in-vitro process to make that happen. As an odd side note - my mom was told that she would likely never have children and my little sister was told it would be really difficult for her to have a child as well. So - I guess we are just weird or something.

2 - We just weren't ready yet. Trev is still doing the school thing, I am getting ready to do the back-to-phd-school thing and, as selfish as it sounds, there were simply other things we still wanted to do.

So our last big conversation resulted in both of us deciding that right now we were content to live this life that we love just the two of us. Then about seven weeks ago I woke up at 3:30 AM and threw up. And I kept throwing up for the following days. After about five days Stacey took me to the store and I bought the infamous "test."

It would be a lie to say that I was thrilled at the result. To be honest, I had a little bit of a break-down. I cried. I know that probably sounds awful to some of you. I know how lucky I am to have this baby when so many incredible people have complications in this department. But - right or wrong - it was how I reacted. It caught me by surprise and I was totally overwhelmed. It was an odd emotional expereince. What was most interesting to me was how immediately protective I became. I remember thinking, "I know I don't really want this rightn ow, but please don't let anything happen to make it go away." It is an odd emotion. I read once that a mother's love is immeidate and instictual. That is the best way I can think to describe how I felt.

Becuase I was still not quite ok with the fact that I was now pregnant it was important to me that Trev not see me that way. Isn't it always supposed to be the guy who freaks at the news? :) I left early and went to work. Trev told me later that when he came home and I wasn't there he just knew.

My husband is amazing. And he is such a good balance for me. Each time life throws us a loop he lets me melt down and then is there to tell me it is all going to be ok. By the time I came home from work he was cooking dinner and had bought flowers for me. He is wonderful. Even though Trev already knew he let me tell him. And when I started to ramble he held me an told me how wonderful it was and how excited he was. And how even though we we had recently decided against this, it was just the universe's way of telling us we made the wrong choice. He talked about how I was going to be a great mom and how we could do this. I love him. His acceptance and excitement helped me so much. It still took me a few days to wrap my mind around the situation and to get excited for myself, but for those few days I could hold onto his excitment and it made it all ok.

We have been to the doctor twice now. At our last appointment we were actually able to see the little thing. It was cruising all over and waving its arms and legs. It is such a strange sensation to know there is another body within your body, to know that there are two hearts beating under your skin. We are due March 15, 2010. That puts me at 11 weeks on Sunday. I know things could still change - but if something does happen I figure I would need all of your support anyway - so we are letting the cat out of the bag.

So far things have been ok. I have been sick, sick, sick. It is odd that ever since I found out at 5 weeks I haven't been able to even eat sugar or anything sweet. It seems all my body wants is fruit and vegetables. I can't even eat NERDS - and those who know me well - know how serious that is. So I am hoping it is a sign that our kid will be a total health nut.

Oh - and for those of you so eagerly looking forward to the result of the gender ultrasound I am sorry to dissapoint you. We are not going to find out the sex of the baby til it's born. So think gender nuetral. I know, I know, we are crazy. Trev has never wanted to find out, and to be honest, I am still just processing "baby". All I really care about is that it is healthy.

There you have it folks - all the details. How crazy is this?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

"Life is what happens

to you when you are busy making other plans."

John Lennon could not have been more right.

Trevor and I were planning to take a cruise to Mexico this coming January....

We were planning multiple, multiple day bike trips for next summer.....

We were planning a lot of things. But it seems that, quite literally, LIFE is what happens when you are making other plans.Surprise.
Sorry the picture is so fuzzy. We don't have a scanner at this is a picture of the picture of our baby...whom, of course, we are now making new plans for.

More details soon. :)