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Monday, September 21, 2009

There is Life

After the first trimester of pregnancy.

I have been missing for a little while. To say I am just crawling out of a dark hole of depression would maybe only be a little bit of an overstatement. Maybe.

My first trimester has been a little rough. I told Trevor, there are a lot of things in life I am really good at, but being pregnant is not one of them.

I haven't blogged anything in all that time because I was afraid if I did I would just end up whining.

In the last three days though I am just starting to finally feel a little more like myself. After 12 weeks of throwing up multiple times a day, sometimes just seconds after trying to eat, of not feeling hunger pains just overwhelming waves of nausea that tell me I need to eat before I get more sick, of stomach cramps and dizzy spells that climaxed into me actually passing out (in a skirt!) in front of my students one morning, and pregnancy-related onset of hypoglycemia it is good to just start to feel somewhat normal again.

After telling Trevor that this baby had succeeded in its plot to be an only child. After thinking I would never feel like doing anything I love ever again. After thinking I would never be able to smell anything sweet ever again. After living in a state of utter disrepair because I couldn't stomach the smell of cleaning supplies or cleaning itself, life is finally looking a bit better.

I am used to doing so much I have been incredibly frustrated by the sudden inability to do everything I wanted to do. Sunday was the first time in weeks that I made a big, beautiful dinner that my husband raved about (all without vomiting) and it felt so good to have a clean kitchen and a pretty table, it surprises me how much such simple things are a huge part of my sense of identity and security.

The last four days have been good. I still get dizzy and shaky - so I have had to abandon my beloved high-heeled shoes - and I am achy and tired all the time. But these symptoms are a walk in the park to where I am coming from. I am starting to feel hungry again and even though I am tired I can do more because I don't feel so sick on top of the tired anymore.

I have to thank all my friends and family members who have listened to me cry. I know it might sound crazy and selfish, but the last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my entire life. I seem to be in a good streak now and am just hoping to hang on to that. I really don't know how women do this over and over again. I don't know how women with little kids do it. I have hardly been able to take care of myself and my husband - I can't imagine taking care of anyone else. My husband has been sweet. Of the two of us I am definitely the more nurturing spirit, and Trev has really had to try in the last few weeks. He has been sweet and I really do appreciate everything he has tried to do. He is a good man.

Here is to being back...I hope.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

New Favorite-est pregnancy conversation

While visiting with good friends:

B: "Hey Chelsi, I have the perfect cosutme for you this Halloween."
Me: "If you say a pumpkin I will throw this shoe at your head."
B: "No, not a pumpkin."
Me: "If you say anything that makes me look even fatter I will throw this shoe at your head."
B: "An Anaconda!"
Me: "An Anaconda?"
B: "yeah, an anaconda that just ate something...cause you know how they get that buldge after they eat? You would be a perfect anaconda."

I think I may have hissed as I laughed hysterically and the random suggestion.