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Monday, January 11, 2010

Fragile

Reading over the last few entries in my blog and thinking over the last few months I realize that my pregnancy has been filled with a wide variety of emotion. Fear, anxiety, excitement, apprehension, love, wonder, discovery, concern, care, joy...just to name a few. Tonight though, as I feel my baby roll and kick inside of me I am overwhelmed by a feeling I cannot quite name or put my finger on.

We often hear that life is fragile. Until this point in my experience I have always associated this sentiment with random tragic, untimely deaths: a car accident that claims a child, cancer that seems to unwittingly strike, any of the thousands of ways that the forces that make us breath and beat can be snuffed out.

Tonight though, I find myself thinking about the fragility of the process that forms life.

In the last year we have known three couples very close to us who have suffered difficult pregnancies. The first resulted in an incredibly difficult and mysterious miscarriage. Then a neighbor around the street lost and subsequently had to deliver a still-born baby at 28 weeks. and tonight, I got a phone call about a sweet couple who have found out that the girl has toxemia. They are 27 weeks along with their first baby - so very much like us - and now she cannot leave the hospital with the baby inside of her. She is stabilized for now, and we are all hoping that she can stay stable for two weeks until the doctors can try and take the baby and still give it a viable chance at a fragile life outside of the womb. And because toxemia is a permanent condition this will be her only pregnancy.

On other blogs that I read by friends who I only keep up with from a distance, comments like, "this baby has been a long time coming" or "we are so excited to finally announce a healthy pregnancy" hint at miscarriages and other heartbreaking problems that I do not want to know the details of.

Suddenly, "life is fragile" doesn't just apply to sad newspaper headlines...but to so many lives that we never really had a chance to know. Lives that never got to experience the fragility we encounter everyday when we open our eyes - or stretch our limbs and muscles. Sometimes I do not think I fully appreciate or comprehend the fragile process that resulted in creating and maintaining my own fragile life.

I am thinking about my friend in the hospital tonight. And I can only imagine how on the brink of motherhood, she isn't thinking about her own fragile life and the threats to it - but she is thinking about the fragile life inside of her.

And as I feel the reassuring pressure of a little hand or foot against my ribs I have to blink my eyes to keep from crying. We are so lucky, Trevor and I, to be entrusted with this fragile little life that we were not planning on, and didn't even know we wanted until it became more and more real. My heart breaks tonight for the hard things we must go through in this life, in the process of creating lives. And it also fills so full and grateful to know that at 32 weeks the second heartbeat within my body is as steady and strong as such a fragile thing can be.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Beautiful.

Shalee said...

awesome post and what a beautiful lady!!

Stacey said...

:) Love you chels

Katie Seamons said...

Can I just say that you have exactly described everything that I have not been able to put into words this whole pregnancy. Thank you for being such a beautiful writer and making me feel not so alone right now. Love you Chels!

Kim and Sean said...

perfectly said! It is amazing the many things we go through to get these precious things here. You look great. Love to see the growing belly!! :)

Erin and Ty said...

Lovely picture. Its so true, pregnancy is filled with emotion. And nothing makes you appreciate the one you have like hearing about a woman who has something horrible happen.
Wish you guys would've stopped by here when you were up, I was looking forward to having some company! Probably won't see you before D-day, but let me know how things go! 801 898 2526

Ashley said...

so funny that as soon as we become pregnant and give birth our whole existence becomes about that little life. it's amazing, hard, sad, and happy all at once. you are going to make the most awesome mommy!

Michelle said...

That is beautiful. Thanks for sharing your thought. You are wonderful and you are going to be a wonderful mommy.

brace-girl said...

you are so pretty. u r going 2 be a wonderful mom and trev is going to be a great dad.

Jared and Cassie said...

Thank you Chelsi, it brought tears to my eyes to read this. Our little Emmett is doing strong. It really is amazing the overwhelming connection you feel to that little life inside you.