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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Well, I did it...

On Saturday, I went to this place
to take this test.I feel good about parts of it, and wish I felt better about other parts. Now I have to wait and wait and wait to get my score and decide if it is high enough that I can live with it, or if I will be going back toagain in April 2011 to take it one more time.

I was so relieved to be out of the testing center 3 1/2 hours later, and my brain was so tired that I got on the freeway heading NORTH and didn't even realize my mistake until I saw this sign an hour later.A little indicator of my intelligence that I will NOT be including in my PHD applications.

Monday, November 8, 2010

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My neighbor is dying of cancer tonight.

We stopped to see her yesterday after church and things were not good. I regret not taking Ivie over enough in the time that was left. She loves Ivie. Her husband asked me to bring the baby as much as possible. But really, I only went about three times. And I feel badly for this.

Last night was the first time I have been with someone at such a terminal stage. She is young. She should be healthy. She should get to see her oldest daughter graduate from college in three years. She should get to watch her son start high school in one. Trevor told me later that he could not even find words to speak as we sat by her bedside with the baby. I don't know how to describe the feeling in that room. It was certainly sad, but to leave the thought at that does not do it justice, in fact, leaving it at that would be a disrespect. It was solemn there last night. It was sacred. It was dignified and resolved and heartbreaking.

We tried to visit tonight - but her family was all there, and they are not taking outside visitors anymore. My mind keeps flitting back to their home. The hug at the door from another neighbor there to guard the family's last bits of time and privacy. The disease. The kids. all of it.

But, what I really want to say is that she is a good woman. Her family is an amazing example of a family that has pulled together and grown together in these last few difficult months. I do not ache well in front of other people. Nor am I always a good support in the midst of a life crisis. I do not know if I would be as incredible as her husband and children have been. And, to me, that is the greatest testament of the kind of women that she is.

My heart fills full up of a million emotions tonight. Sadness, respect, fear, regret, admiration, hope and faith. There are too many things in this world that I will never understand, at least not in this life. I do believe that there is more. And whatever it may be, when the time comes, I hope she finds it in all of the glory and peace and wholeness and universal oneness that such an amazing life deserves.