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Monday, February 28, 2011

Sadness


I got an email today from someone I care about very much.

It explained that she and her husband are separating. She will be moving far away with their two little girls.

I have hardly been able to think about anything else all morning.

This past year:
1 - My brother in law got divorced. At then end of his marriage, I was the only one in the Linderman family she was speaking to. She emailed me at Christmas. It made me cry. Thankfully, they had no kids.

2 - My college roomate, girls state alumni and all around dear friend, who was married a month before I was, called me from Texas to ask what St. George was like because she was getting divorced and thinking of moving with their 2 year old son.

3 - A close family friend - her parents live a half hour from us - left her husband, taking their 5 children with her. It has been devastating for her kids and her mother.

4 - This morning.

This is an average of a divorce every 3 months that has had anywhere from a peripheral impact to a direct impact on me and my little family.

I know every situation is different, and I am not judging any of those situations and the difficulty that they entail. And sometimes I think a divorce may be the only answer for some people. Nobody knows what it is like standing in anyone else's shoes - no matter how good we might think we are at empathy.

But my heart hurts.

I HATE divorce. My parents' divorce had a very big and lasting impact on me. And even though I feel Trev and I are more secure than ever before, the knowledge that there are so many marriages out there that end this way still frightens me.

It just all makes me so sad.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Contentment

is a hard thing for me.

I am not sure why, but I have a personality that looks around and sees everything that I am NOT doing, rather than the things I am doing.

I worry a lot about the future.

And sometimes I think that I am always "waiting" for our life to start. Like, our life will really start "after Trevor has a 'real' job"..."after I am finally done with school"..."after we buy our own house someday."

Even though I KNOW that this sort of thinking is making me miss the life that is happening right now.

I am trying really hard to work on this part of myself, to unwire whatever hard-wiring makes my brain view things this way.

Trevor is so wonderful, especially when I get grumpy about feeling like we aren't where we should be in life right now and especially when those crazy feelings get the better of me and I say really mean or hurtful things. He keeps telling me that whatever I need to do to be happy we can do. If I need to not work and just stay with Ivie we will make it work. If I want to work more we can make it work. If I want to die my hair purple and wear only blue plaid we will make it work.

Trouble is, that I KNOW my issues have maybe 10% to do with my situation and 90% to do with my attitude and how I see things.

Trevor always looks at our life and sees all we have and all the good. He is a total "count your blessings" kind of guy. He says that he thinks the way we should always feel is "content, but not complacent." And that makes good sense. I have been repeating it to myself a lot.

And he is right - we are MASSIVELY blessed. We have been given so much.

So I am really trying to work on this. Trying to go to bed at night thinking of all the things I did well, instead of the things I didn't get done or cannot do right now. I have a little book on my nightstand and all week I have made myself write down ten things that I did well or enjoyed that day. It has really helped actually.

Does anyone else struggle with this? I feel like it is amplified a million times now that I am a mom. How do you cope?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

See this cute little Valentine?Our amazing neighbor and adopted grandma, Darci, offered to tend her for us on Friday so we can go to our Ward's Adults only Valentine Dinner...AND since it will be after Ivie's bedtime before the dinner is over Darci wants to just keep Ivie overnight!

So I am trying to come up with something surprising to do with the rest of our night off. I am sort of thinking I might have our camping stuff all together and a bed made in the back of our car (we can fit a queen air mattress in there), and that we will drive up on the BLM after the dinner and spend the night to watch the sunrise early in the morning. We have a little DVD player and I could pick up a good movie (suggestions? I don't even know what is out..) But I want it to be special and could use any other little thoughts you all might have. Ideas?

And no - I am not worried about Trev reading this...he rarely checks it and he is way too busy. :)