is a hard thing for me.
I am not sure why, but I have a personality that looks around and sees everything that I am NOT doing, rather than the things I am doing.
I worry a lot about the future.
And sometimes I think that I am always "waiting" for our life to start. Like, our life will really start "after Trevor has a 'real' job"..."after I am finally done with school"..."after we buy our own house someday."
Even though I KNOW that this sort of thinking is making me miss the life that is happening right now.
I am trying really hard to work on this part of myself, to unwire whatever hard-wiring makes my brain view things this way.
Trevor is so wonderful, especially when I get grumpy about feeling like we aren't where we should be in life right now and especially when those crazy feelings get the better of me and I say really mean or hurtful things. He keeps telling me that whatever I need to do to be happy we can do. If I need to not work and just stay with Ivie we will make it work. If I want to work more we can make it work. If I want to die my hair purple and wear only blue plaid we will make it work.
Trouble is, that I KNOW my issues have maybe 10% to do with my situation and 90% to do with my attitude and how I see things.
Trevor always looks at our life and sees all we have and all the good. He is a total "count your blessings" kind of guy. He says that he thinks the way we should always feel is "content, but not complacent." And that makes good sense. I have been repeating it to myself a lot.
And he is right - we are MASSIVELY blessed. We have been given so much.
So I am really trying to work on this. Trying to go to bed at night thinking of all the things I did well, instead of the things I didn't get done or cannot do right now. I have a little book on my nightstand and all week I have made myself write down ten things that I did well or enjoyed that day. It has really helped actually.
Does anyone else struggle with this? I feel like it is amplified a million times now that I am a mom. How do you cope?
"When I think of all the worry that people seem to find, and how they're in a hurry to complicate their minds by chasing after money and dreams that can't come true, I'm glad that we are different, we've better things to do. Let others plan their futures, I'm busy loving you." ~ Live for Today by The Grass Roots
8 comments:
I think we could be sisters or something because I feel the exact same way. If there's something I'm feeling really good about as a mom there are 30 things that I don't feel like I'm doing right. I keep telling myself - once we get past this baby/toddler stage. Then Jared and I can spend more time together, then we could maybe go on a vacation, maybe maybe maybe. I need to quit wishing away these days when they're tiny because I'm sure I'll miss them, but right now I'm missing myself. I'm missing the Beth that I used to be, and that I still am deep down. I feel like I've locked her away and now I'm just mom Beth. I can't even remember what it was like to participate in my hobbies, or spend time doing something just because I want to do it. So to answer your question with this novel - yes. Yes I feel the exact same way and I struggle with the things you're struggling with. We can do it - and I love the idea of your thankful journal- I should start doing that.
When I read your post it made me think of this new blog the sister of a friend just started.
http://danalinfoster.blogspot.com/
I can totally relate to your feelings and I have found these posts and the comments left on them giving me things to think about.
I think you are an amazing woman and mom and am glad to know that we all struggle with the same kind of issues. :) (Not that I'm glad you struggle with this haha)
I must be another sister to you and Beth :) I have those feelings all the time. I keep telling myself "These are the years I LONGED for for- what's my problem?" I don't have any answers. I am constantly trying to savor my life as it is now- and it isn't easy some days. We are supposed to find joy in the journey...not just the destination :)
I have been thinking about this same thing lately. I am a real planner, and am always looking to the next big event in our lives - when we have a baby, when we do an internship, when we go on our next big trip, when Landon finishes his masters, when I can go back to school, when we buy a house, when, when, when...
I know it frustrates Landon a little (although he would never say it bothers him) because we are so blessed and have so many amazing things going on daily, and all I want to know is when the NEXT one will be. I've been trying to work on my attitude and live in the moment a little more. I love the idea of your journal, I may try that next week.
Thanks, as always, for sharing your thoughts!
I think it's a problem most women face...especially after they become moms. I fight it all the time. Husbands are great, aren't they?
In an interview once with my mission president toward the end of my mission, I was basically telling him about how things were going, and my shortcomings and feelings of inadequacies must have appeared in my narration because after I was done, he said, "Sister Chadwick, I need you to be nicer to Sister Chadwick. She's a good person." I thought he had made a mistake and actually meant to say to be nice to Sister Leafa, my companion. I said, "You mean Sister Leafa?" "No," he said, "I mean Sister Chadwick. She's a wonderful person and I need you to be nice to her."
Every now and then, I have to remind myself of that advice. I'm willing to cut everyone else some slack for all their weaknesses, so I probably should do the same for me.
So, Chelsi, please be nice to Chelsi. She is an AMAZING person, one I wish that I could be a little more like.
ALL THE TIME!!!! :) You are definately not alone here. Just like Beth- I feel like I have kinda become someone I'm not... I need to live and be who I AM so my relationships can be enriched as well!! So glad I am not alone either.. :) Thanks for sharing!!
I felt better about my life after Gemma turned one. It sounds stupid, but becoming a mother just kind of threw my life into this crazy hormonal, lovely, but crazy place where I didn't feel like I knew up from down in this new identity.
And then Gemma turned one and I felt like I could do it again. It was different that it used to be, but I could do it.
It is good to be more gentle with yourself, but to also remember that sometimes the not being content part is what makes you really good at what you are.
P.S. I think you might like this blog...71toes.blogspot.com
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