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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

"Even those that never fully blossom bring beauty into the world"

I have debated and debated about writing this post. After all, miscarriage seems to be a somewhat taboo topic. I think that is because everyone handles miscarriage so differently, and no one quite knows what to say.

But I am a talker. I need to sort my feelings and experiences out through words. And many times, I need the strength of people around me to help me through my sad or hard times.

I debated writing anything in this space, because well - it is a very public space. Additionally, it seems slightly odd to write about the loss of a pregnancy publicly when I had not yet even announced that pregnancy publicly in the first place.

On the other hand, my life is different now. Yesterday my life changed as instantly with the loss of a baby as it did weeks ago with the appearance of that pink line and the anticipation of a new baby. I can't pretend that it didn't happen, because it did.

I know that miscarriages are common. In fact, most women I know have experienced one. It's not a unique expereince, but it is an individual one. And I am grieving the loss of a baby I won't get to hold and rock, a baby that my body rejected.

Eight weeks is not far along at all...but 8 weeks or 18 weeks or 28 weeks...or any number of weeks is enough to love and want the child growing inside of you. And I know that no matter how many weeks go by or how many other babies come, I will not forget this one. When what would have been his or her due date rolls around I will quietly mark the day in my heart every year for all the years to come, and while I will always be a bit sad, I hope I can still celebrate that almost-birthday as well.

After all, I have lots to celebrate. Along with celebrating my sweet husband and lovely daughter, I will celebrate the opportunity that my Heavenly Father gave me to love and nurture another baby, if only for 8 weeks.

And I will celebrate the goodness of our family and friends and the people in our lives. Trevor and I have both talked and marveled at the many similarities in our experiences with our two babies--the one we got to keep and the one we didn't.

When Ivie was born friends and family came and cleaned my house from top to bottom. Other friends brought food. Some brought flowers and we received too many phone calls, texts and emails to count.

When we lost little brother/sister, friends came and cleaned my house from top to bottom. Wonderful Darci kept Ivie all day while we cried. Trevor's boss gave him yesterday and today off of work to stay home with Ivie and me. Friends brought food, some brought or sent flowers and we received so many phone calls, texts and emails from the few who knew we had been expecting that we can't count them all. 

How grateful we are for our family and friends in both times of joy and sorrow.

And how grateful we are for eternal perspective that informs our lives through the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. To be honest, I don't know how miscarriages play out in the eternities. I know many people believe and say many different things. Some think you might raise these babies later, some think our bodies reject these babies because the physical process of gaining and growing a mortal body--a crucial part of our spiritual journey--is not happening in the correct way. There are a million other thoughts and a million other theories. Maybe it was meant to be, maybe it wasn't. I don't know. And to be honest, it doesn't matter to me that I don't know.

What I do know is that my Heavenly Father loves me. And I know that as Joseph Smith was told in Doctrine and Covenants 122:7: "Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." I do know that in whatever capacity my baby is or was, that (s)he knew I loved and wanted him or her. (S)he knew they were coming to a family that would love and treasure him or her, just as they know we grieve this loss and will always treasure the sweet, if short blessing these eight weeks offered.

I am grateful and will celebrate the lessons and truths this baby has taught me in the last eight weeks, and especially in the last two days, and this experience while heartbreaking will be, and is, for my good. 


higglepea home ed said...

I am so truly deeply sorry for your loss. It is a hard and terrible thing to loose a child, whether they breathed air on this earth or inside you, it is a loss most keenly felt.

I too lost a child to miscarriage 13 years ago. A little boy. I still miss him, even to this day and never deny his existence, however brief.

We already had two beautiful little girls when we lost him, and we went onto have another beautiful little girl two years later after the wounds had healed and the hurt lessened.

The pain will dull, the hurt will recede, but you will always wear the loss and heart ache on your soul as a reminder. Some days I look at my happy band of girls and I think there should have been four there, but those are rare days now - for I know deep within my soul and my faith that he is with us always, growing up beside his sisters. x

The pain will ease, and as you say the more you open up and talk the more woman surrounding you will tell you their stories, their losses and hurts and together you will get through it. It's what sisterhood is all about. XxX

Shalee said...


My heart aches for you. It is a profound loss, no matter how short your time together. You are such amazing, strong people. Your family will learn and grow from this, and reading your words it's evident you are. It's always striking to me how much insight and perspective loss and trials bring us. It is painful, but truly a time of divine tutoring.

Let yourself feel what you feel, and gradually it will get better. I love you lots and I'm always here to talk!!

ashley said...

i'm so sorry for your loss! you and your sweet little family are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear about this Chelsi. Much love to you and Trev.

The Karrens said...

Thanks Chelsi. I also had a miscarriage a month and a half ago and still find it very hard to deal with. I cry very easily for what would have been.

My non-member friend sent me this scripture from her bible. "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces preseverance, preseverance, character, and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Lots of love and hugs!

Angela B said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Wish I could drop by a hug.

Beth Willmore said...

I'm so sorry Chelsi, there isn't a "right" thing to say at a time like this. It's so hard to lose a baby - whether they're 6 weeks or 12 weeks. You still think about them and miss them. I tell Jared every now and then, "You know - in our little eternal family we have 5 children. That's so wild!" :)

I think one of the hardest things with miscarriage is that people expect you to move on a lot more quickly than if you'd lost a "living" baby when in reality it hurts just the same, you lost a child.

I love you and am always here to talk when and if you're ready. Like Shalee said, you never stop missing those babies, but as time goes on the pain isn't quite so sharp.

Love you - I'm sorry you had to experience this.

Ryan and Amy Robinson said...

We are very sorry to hear about your loss you guys are in our prayers we love u guys let me know if you need anything.

Ryan and Amy Robinson said...

We are truly sorry to hear about your loss you guys are going to be in are prayers at this hard time in your life let me know if you guys need anything.

mary said...

You have been on my mind the last 3 weeks, now I know why. Sending you love and hugs. Mary

~Tiffany said...

I am so sorry Chelsi... I am glad you posted this as hard as it is. You are very touching to a lot of women- especially myself. I know in sharing it with others you really will receive the strength and peace that you need!! You are amazing! You are a WONDERFUL mother and will always be... Love you lots and please call me when you feel that you can. I'm praying for you...

Kersten said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I've had three miscarriages myself, and I don't know why, but I also found it therapeutic to blog about my feelings. I think it just helps to get those feelings out there so you don't feel like it's this crazy secret you are keeping inside that has effected you so profoundly. For something many women experience, it's amazing how no one tends to talk about it. I've blogged about it several times on my blog, and have an excellent book recommendation if you ever need it. In the mean time, I'm glad you have people who are there for you!

ERIN said...

So sorry to hear about that. I wondered what was going on. Not much I can say I know as far as comfort.... When Eden was about 18 months I also had a miscarriage. I think I've only told maybe 3 or 4 people even since then. It just wasn't meant to happen, and I can definitely see that now. Would love to hang out with you guys if we lived closer. Please tell us the next time you are in SL!

Devri said...

Really, what can be said? Miscarriages are hard, and you are not a weak person if you struggle with this--even if it is for years! I'm crying with you and hurting with you. Wish I could give you a hug! Thank you for your kind words and gestures with mine.

pheonix said...

I am so sorry about your loss. I generally don't comment because I think your posts provide such a little window into your life. I feel almost like I am peaking into your living room to see your daughter, husband, and you. Having never lost a child I can't imagine what it feels like. But know that I think of you and am praying for you.

pheonix said...

I am so sorry about your loss. I generally don't comment because I think your posts provide such a little window into your life. I feel almost like I am peaking into your living room to see your daughter, husband, and you. Having never lost a child I can't imagine what it feels like. But know that I think of you and am praying for you.

Clarissa Meegan said...

My heart ached for you too when I read this. But I was really, really touched by this post. I can only imagine how much it would help someone who has gone through/is going through the same thing. Lots of love to you! Thanks for yothe strength you give to me!