Tuesday, June 5, 2012
"Even those that never fully blossom bring beauty into the world"
But I am a talker. I need to sort my feelings and experiences out through words. And many times, I need the strength of people around me to help me through my sad or hard times.
I debated writing anything in this space, because well - it is a very public space. Additionally, it seems slightly odd to write about the loss of a pregnancy publicly when I had not yet even announced that pregnancy publicly in the first place.
On the other hand, my life is different now. Yesterday my life changed as instantly with the loss of a baby as it did weeks ago with the appearance of that pink line and the anticipation of a new baby. I can't pretend that it didn't happen, because it did.
I know that miscarriages are common. In fact, most women I know have experienced one. It's not a unique expereince, but it is an individual one. And I am grieving the loss of a baby I won't get to hold and rock, a baby that my body rejected.
Eight weeks is not far along at all...but 8 weeks or 18 weeks or 28 weeks...or any number of weeks is enough to love and want the child growing inside of you. And I know that no matter how many weeks go by or how many other babies come, I will not forget this one. When what would have been his or her due date rolls around I will quietly mark the day in my heart every year for all the years to come, and while I will always be a bit sad, I hope I can still celebrate that almost-birthday as well.
After all, I have lots to celebrate. Along with celebrating my sweet husband and lovely daughter, I will celebrate the opportunity that my Heavenly Father gave me to love and nurture another baby, if only for 8 weeks.
And I will celebrate the goodness of our family and friends and the people in our lives. Trevor and I have both talked and marveled at the many similarities in our experiences with our two babies--the one we got to keep and the one we didn't.
When Ivie was born friends and family came and cleaned my house from top to bottom. Other friends brought food. Some brought flowers and we received too many phone calls, texts and emails to count.
When we lost little brother/sister, friends came and cleaned my house from top to bottom. Wonderful Darci kept Ivie all day while we cried. Trevor's boss gave him yesterday and today off of work to stay home with Ivie and me. Friends brought food, some brought or sent flowers and we received so many phone calls, texts and emails from the few who knew we had been expecting that we can't count them all.
How grateful we are for our family and friends in both times of joy and sorrow.
And how grateful we are for eternal perspective that informs our lives through the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. To be honest, I don't know how miscarriages play out in the eternities. I know many people believe and say many different things. Some think you might raise these babies later, some think our bodies reject these babies because the physical process of gaining and growing a mortal body--a crucial part of our spiritual journey--is not happening in the correct way. There are a million other thoughts and a million other theories. Maybe it was meant to be, maybe it wasn't. I don't know. And to be honest, it doesn't matter to me that I don't know.
What I do know is that my Heavenly Father loves me. And I know that as Joseph Smith was told in Doctrine and Covenants 122:7: "Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." I do know that in whatever capacity my baby is or was, that (s)he knew I loved and wanted him or her. (S)he knew they were coming to a family that would love and treasure him or her, just as they know we grieve this loss and will always treasure the sweet, if short blessing these eight weeks offered.
I am grateful and will celebrate the lessons and truths this baby has taught me in the last eight weeks, and especially in the last two days, and this experience while heartbreaking will be, and is, for my good.