Follow by Email

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Sweet and Small Things

My heart fills full as I write this, even though I'm not really sure what it is I want to say.

Today was the due date for the baby I lost in June (miscarriage sounds so clinical, just never seems like the right word to use.)

An incredibly kind and intuitive friend brought by this little plant, remembering us.  And as I've looked at it all day I can't quit thinking about how grateful I am to have a small reminder and memento about one of the most difficult times I've experienced.

Because losing a baby at any time is hard. And it makes your heart hurt.

But on this January day I find myself feeling so grateful. Do I wish there was already a small bundle of baby in my arms today? Of course. But through those sad days last June I felt the love of my family, neighbors, friends, Savior and Heavenly Father so intensely that I know I could not have experienced the same growth that came through my sadness in any other way.

I am so grateful for those sweet 8 weeks and all they brought, and I know wherever that little spirit is now that it is safe, happy and fulfilling its divine purpose.

I am also so grateful for the beautiful teeny face that I get to snuggle and kiss each day. I'm thankful for the funny little things Ivie says, her happy blue eyes, the chance to brush her long blonde hair and the way that her tiny body still curls so perfectly in to mine to be rocked.

I am so grateful for the little life inside of me right now, and thankful that I can again experience the hope, excitement, terror, and love that comes daily with carrying a child.

I am also thankful to share this lovely journey through life and motherhood by the side of a man I love more than I have words to express.

Whatever is to come, I know this mortal experience will be richer than I ever could have imagined, and I look forward to every day, the happy and the sad, the celebrated and the ones we quietly mark in our hearts for things that were or might have been.


Lauren Forsgren said...

That is a very good friend indeed. And a bittersweet post. <3

Beth Willmore said...

I'm thinking about you my friend. My next door neighbor and I were due the exact same day when I was pregnant with our first baby. We lost our baby and their little boy Dawson was born exactly on his due date. I was so happy for her, but so sad for us. The Sunday they blessed him in church I cried the whole sacrament meeting thinking that we should have had family with us that day blessing our first sweet baby.

I'm glad that you have another little one on the way, but you'll always have a soft spot in your heart for the ones that you've lost. I always tell Jared, "Isn't it crazy to think that in the next life we'll have 5 kids!" :)

Love you! Hope you made it through the day!