Live for Today

Shake it up (with original paint images)

2012-01-19T08:54:00.001-08:00

There are still more cruise details to come (BETH - YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GO!!!) but, in the meantime, rather than doing my work (I'm at my office) I am sitting here thinking about exercise.

You eat A LOT of food on a cruise.

I eat A LOT of food all the time.

Flashback:The first time Trevor and I ever ate dinner together we were at a Chinese buffet on a high school debate trip. One of our first memorable conversations went like this:
Trevor - sitting next to me and a mile-high-stack of won-tons: "Wow. You can really eat."

Me: "What do yo mean?"

Trevor: "I just have never seen a girl eat as much as you."

I've been lucky enough to stay little despite stuffing my face and never exercising for most of my life. Chalk it up to genetics, an intense metabolism, I don't know why, but I never struggled with weight the way some of my friends and family members have.

But having a BABY (yes - I blame lots of stuff on her) changes things. Changes the game. Changes your body.

I never lost of all my baby weight, and now when I am irresponsible with what I choose to put in my body, the junk doesn't seem to just wash through my system the way it used to. Rather, it sticks - more specifically it sticks to my butt, my thighs, my cheeks and my lower abdomen.

Blah.

Now- my theory on exercising has always been: NO PAIN...NO PAIN.

I HATE exercising.

But, as we watched a show one night on the ship and I watched the butts of the dancing show girls - or was it watching my husband watch the butts of those dancing girls :) - I decided there is really no excuse to not keep my body in better shape.

I'm not talking just skinny.

I'm talking toned. I'm talking healthy, so that I don't feel like I might pass out after running up and down the stairs a few times.

So we came home and I have been doing a 60 minute work-out video everyday for the last week and a half.

I HATE it. I hate sweating and stinking and trying to shake body parts I either don't have or have no control over. But I AM DOING IT!

It's a Zuumba video. I am a terrible dancer. Like I should never dance ANYWHERE, terrible.

I do it in the basement and have banned Trevor from ever coming down while I am working it.

I thought it would be safe to let Ivie come down and play or dance with me. But last night, as she watched me hop and shake my two-year-old sat on the floor and laughed hysterically. Which - I'm not gonna lie - actually hurt my feelings just a little bit.

Cabo San Lucas - Cruise Recap continued

2012-01-15T20:57:00.000-08:00

The first port we stopped into on the cruise was Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

The weather was lovely. We were in this port for two days. On the first day we were there we did a little bit of ocean kayaking and then some snorkeling. But not before we snuggled up to some parrots.
While I have some lovely shots of the ocean and its many rock/beach formations (courtesy of the Atkins)
I don't have any of the actual snorkeling. However - I do want to point out that this was FABULOUS snorkeling. That is, if you are looking for fish this was fabulous snorkeling. Trev and I have snorkeled a few other places, Hawaii and Catalina, and we decided that this snorkeling experience was the best as far as seeing different varieties of fish goes. The corals and reef weren't as pretty as in Hawaii or Catalina, but we felt like we saw the most fish here (although in Hawaii we saw lots of turtles, which was cool). So I really recommend the snorkeling in Cabo.

We also saw lots and lots of sea lions. And we learned that you can smell sea lions from about half a mile a way. Stinky.They would pop up right on the backs of boats begging for fish.Our second day in Cabo was spent at Lover's Beach. It was a pretty beach and we stretched out in the sand, read out loud to each other and relaxed.Don't you love the dude who is totally flopped down in the lower right?

Of course, we also shopped in the local tourist markets where we either got some great deals or gotten taken for a complete ride on our purchases. Probably a little of both. Trev totally and completely spoiled me, buying me necklaces, hair clips and other jewelry. One of my favorite purchases, however, was this darling little dress for little Miss I. Here she is sporting it this past Sunday.

What a Way to Kick Off 2012!

2012-01-08T22:36:00.000-08:00

Looking for the perfect way to ring in the New Year? We highly recommend a cruise with good friends.Which is why on Jan. 1 we drove to Long Beach California with our dear friends - Jeremy and Chelsea (yes - we share the same name)
and boarded the Carnival Splendor
There is far too much to say about the trip in one post, so I'll be blogging about our fabulous vacation over the next couple of days. But, to start off - these are just some general thoughts about some of the highlights of taking a cruise.

1- YOU WORRY ABOUT NOTHING - Seriously, the biggest decision you have to make on a cruise is what drink to order. And even then, if you can't decide you just order them all. Love this.Our fabulous wait staff - these 3 dudes served us dinner every night and teased and joked with us.2 - GETTING DRESSED UP - I love an excuse to dress up, and on a cruise you can dress up for dinner every night, but especially on formal dining nights (which is when they serve all you can eat prime rib and lobster tails!)

First Formal Dinner Night

The Beautiful People - Jeremy & Chelsea

Second Formal Night

3- SHOES - Since we left Little Miss I at home and I didn't have to lug a two-year-old around, I got to sport my high-high-high heels around the ship.
4- DARLING TOWEL ANIMALS - It is lots of fun to come back to the state room every night where the housekeeping staff has not only turned down the bed and left a mint on your pillow, but also created adorable towel animals to decorate your room.

Elephant

Snuggling Penguins

Baboon Swinging From the Mirror

5- QUALITY TIME - My all time favorite though? The second-honeymoon-feeling I always get whenever Trev and I go on vacation. Love this darling, darling man.

Here we are goofing off before going to sleep

Decisions....

2011-12-29T07:17:00.000-08:00

I can be indecisive when it comes to things....like my hair. Which is probably why I've let it grow to my waist in the last 3 years. (Yes - my hair grows AMAZINGLY fast - in 2008 it was bobbed to my chin, now it brushes my belt-line).

However, I've decided it's time for the lengths of locks to come off. I just can't decide which cut to choose. Appointment is in three hours. Vote fast:

Hair A

Hair B
Of Course - remember I'm not as photo-shopped perfect as either of these models, and my face looks like this:

Christmas Tree Recycle

2011-12-28T21:08:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas for a million reasons. But one very serious reason is for the Christmas Tree.

See - every year of my entire life my family has made an annual trek here:to cut down a Christmas tree. We own some property in the area, and harvesting a holiday tree from it each year is a special tradition to me. We usually go up the weekend following Thanksgiving, and then enjoy the tree throughout all of December. Here is a shot of Little i this year a'Christmas-treeing. (Totally a word I just made up)BUT - December alone is never enough for me. I love the tree so much I've been known to leave it up for weeks after Christmas passes. These trees last forever - and I've actually even had them begin growing before, they develop these delightful neon green tips of new growth after a few weeks.

Trev has always given me a hard time about this...sooooo....this year I decided to justify the tree's ongoing presence in my living room by turning it into a New Year's Eve tree.15$ at the dollar store and I LOVE it. Trev was actually pretty impressed too. I told him I'd cover the tree in hearts and red lights come February. :)

Where did the last year go?

2011-11-28T21:32:00.000-08:00

Remember last year when Trev and I took Ivie's Fall pictures and she looked like this?

I simply cannot believe how much she has grown and how fast the last year has gone. More often than not lately I find myself wishing I could somehow turn back the clock, or press the pause button on her little-ness. My baby is growing up, and even though I am so excited to watch her grow into herself, I am saddened by how fast this time flies. And I often find myself wishing I had written more down, videoed more. But there are things I am sure I'll always hold in my heart. I hope her tiny voice saying "gobblegobblegobble" when she wears this "Turkey" dress is one of them.

Dear Santa,

2011-11-20T19:55:00.001-08:00

All I want for Christmas this year is to NOT sit on your lap. I'd rather quickly snatch your offered candy cane and glare at you. I do NOT believe my mother when she tells me you are "jolly." You have jingle bells all over you, and--quite frankly--you freak me out. However, Santa, I would like to...play jingle bell songs with my daddy,and make Christmas-ornament faces with my mama.
Maybe I'll consider sitting on your lap next year.
Love,
Ivie T.

Cheers!

2011-11-15T07:44:00.000-08:00

Ivie's favorite thing about dinner? "Cheers" with Daddy

Just me, myself and I....

2011-11-13T20:48:00.000-08:00

It's funny, after becoming a mother, you are virtually never alone again. I am either at work, home with Ivie, with Trevor or with other moms and kids.

And while I still get together with friends when time allows, even that has changed somewhat. After all, we all have kids and have to hang out/chase them. Or, if I am meeting up with a childless friend, it is usually for lunch in the thick of the day when all of my resident babysitters are still studying history in their fourth period at the local high school. So I have Ivie in tow. It is pretty rare when I work things out to get out without my two-foot-tall side kick.

So I was really excited for this Saturday. I invited a girl I haven't done anything with as a friend in a really long time to go and hit up a pottery painting session. But then Saturday morning came and she called to cancel. Which was fine. Things happen.

I was disappointed though. So I put out some other feelers, but -- like me--most of my mom friends were strapped down and unable to escape at a moment's notice, and my non-mom friends were out of town or busy with other commitments.

I thought about trying to find a babysitter and dragging Trevor along with me. But he wasn't really feeling it. I waffled on keeping the pottery date at all, but finally decide to go.

Just with me, myself and I.

And, surprisingly, it was wonderful.

Before Ivie, I used to do things by myself all the time. I've always treasured my independence. One pf the things I am most grateful to my husband for always honoring.

Oddly though, when that independence is sort of stripped from you by force of nature, it takes a while to rediscover it.

And, to be honest, if I wasn't planning on gifting some folks with pottery pieces come Christmas, I probably wouldn't have gone. I really didn't want to go by myself. I had really been looking forward to visiting with another adult in a space where I didn't have someone constantly asking me to lift them up or get them a drink of water.

However, the three hours that were entirely mine, to myself, in the pottery studio were LOVELY.

Sure - there are times when I'm "alone" at home while Ivie is napping. But it isn't the same. She's still on my brain and at least 80% of my human capacity for hearing is dedicated to listening for the inevitable squawks coming from her room.

I was the only person working at all on Saturday, aside from the studio owner. It was quiet. It was nice to let all my thoughts just float away and sit by myself in my own silence. Truth is, I've forgotten how good that can feel.

So - I have a date with myself to go back soon. And yes, I'll post pictures of my masterpieces when they are through. :)

Unmasking.....

2011-11-03T13:44:00.000-07:00

Alright, well - the title seemed to go with the only recent picture I have on my computer at the moment, a shot from this year's Halloween party.It also has to do with the idea of making my blog public again for a little while.

I've taken a hiatus from blogging for the past 6 months. I've been wrapped up in my privacy for the last few months, but miss the connections of this online community. I've been quietly following many of you, but not making too many comments. Of course, I know that in online communities you only get what you give, so I'm ready to start giving a little more.

Prepare yourself to be updated.(Just to throw another Halloween Party Pic out there for good measure! We had our annual murder mystery group again this year, and the theme was a masquerade, with every couple assigned to come in a particular color.Obviously, we were Mr. & Mrs. White...and, yes, that is my real hair.)

Spring Photo Shoot

2011-04-13T08:41:00.001-07:00

It is always surprising to Trevor and I the pictures that we end up loving after every photo shoot with Ivie. I always get her all ready for pictures thinking that we are going to capture the most perfect, beautiful still life of our little girl, where she will look sweet and innocent and like she belongs on the pages of a baby magazine.

And we do get some like that...but it is the sort of stuff like this that I end up loving.Because when she takes her shoe off in the middle of the camera snapping because she loves the buckle on the strap it is just so her.Or when she decides to check out just how her prop tastes it makes me laugh.And the little smirks that replace stellar, magazine spread smiles melt my heart.
And the teeny scratches across noses from fingernails I have let get too long, remind me that we are our own kind of perfect. And it just doesn't get better than that. PS - Remember the Spring pictures we took of her exactly a year ago? My how she has changed.

Quack, Quack, Quack!

2011-03-30T06:02:00.001-07:00

I haven't been as good as I wanted to be about writing down sweet memories I want of my Ivie bird. This is one that I am determined to get down though. Ivie loves ducks recently.

It all started with Pandora's toddler radio and the song "Six Little Ducks." Trev and I began to notice that whenever this song came through Pandora's rotation Ivie really danced, sang and paid attention.

We started to sing it to her outside of Pandora and she would just get so excited. So Trevor learned how to play it on his guitar and we also discovered this link.

So the guy is a bit creepy and YouTube certainly violates our "No screen time for the baby policy", but Ivie absolutely adores him, so we watch it occasionally. She flips out when we play her this video, and in the last week she has even started to use her little hands like duck bills.

I love the new hand action - she will start off by raising her hand toward the computer and making her fingers quack, but then she almost gets distracted by the movement and brings her quacking fingers right back down in front of her face for closer study of the movements. It is so funny. Meanwhile she keeps bopping and babbling to the beat of the song.

She loves this song so much that we had a "Six Little Ducks" Birthday Party - she loved singing the song, but HATED her little duck cake. She refused to touch, sit by or eat it all night long.
We love, love, love our silly little duck.

Death Valley - Spring Break 2011

2011-03-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

We loved our little get away - and Death Valley National Park is certainly a very interesting place to visit.

Highlights of the trip:

Coyotes - I am normally not a fan of coyotes, given my farm-girl roots, but the coyotes in Death Valley sang all night and I loved it.
We got to spend a day with Trev's sister and her husband
Crazy interesting scenery - yes Ivie is eating a piece of rock salt in this picture. No parenting judgments.
WILD salt flats and fields
Hiking with my family
Reading out loud by the camp-fire at night (we read Fareinheit 451 on this trip)
Visiting the lowest point in the country
Ivie had her first CAMPING BATH

I really love visiting new places with Trevor. Death Valley is definitely not among my very favorite National Parks so far, but it was a really interesting place and I enjoyed our visit. The desert is gorgeous in its own crazy and lonely way.

Getting out of town

2011-03-09T10:28:00.000-08:00

Trevor and I need a vacation like nobody else. We have hardly seen each other in the last month, I have been sick for a good portion of the month (complete with puking all over my shoes, jeans and hair in a parking lot this morning) and to put it simply, I AM DONE.

I need to check out for a few days. Trev needs a break too, and we need to be in the same place for more than 30 minutes together when we are both conscious. Spring break could not come at a more perfect time.

In our family, there is one place that offers respite and, literally, a breath of fresh air. So we are off to the great outdoors - some serious camping with no cell, internet or cable service for miles. Nothing but the three of us, good food, a great read-aloud book and long days.

I can't wait. Oh, and we are going HERE! The hottest, driest and lowest place you can go in the continental US.

And - it marks one park closer to our goal of seeing every national park over our lifetime together!

Sadness

2011-02-28T13:30:00.000-08:00

I got an email today from someone I care about very much.

It explained that she and her husband are separating. She will be moving far away with their two little girls.

I have hardly been able to think about anything else all morning.

This past year:
1 - My brother in law got divorced. At then end of his marriage, I was the only one in the Linderman family she was speaking to. She emailed me at Christmas. It made me cry. Thankfully, they had no kids.

2 - My college roomate, girls state alumni and all around dear friend, who was married a month before I was, called me from Texas to ask what St. George was like because she was getting divorced and thinking of moving with their 2 year old son.

3 - A close family friend - her parents live a half hour from us - left her husband, taking their 5 children with her. It has been devastating for her kids and her mother.

4 - This morning.

This is an average of a divorce every 3 months that has had anywhere from a peripheral impact to a direct impact on me and my little family.

I know every situation is different, and I am not judging any of those situations and the difficulty that they entail. And sometimes I think a divorce may be the only answer for some people. Nobody knows what it is like standing in anyone else's shoes - no matter how good we might think we are at empathy.

But my heart hurts.

I HATE divorce. My parents' divorce had a very big and lasting impact on me. And even though I feel Trev and I are more secure than ever before, the knowledge that there are so many marriages out there that end this way still frightens me.

It just all makes me so sad.

Contentment

2011-02-10T17:17:00.000-08:00

is a hard thing for me.

I am not sure why, but I have a personality that looks around and sees everything that I am NOT doing, rather than the things I am doing.

I worry a lot about the future.

And sometimes I think that I am always "waiting" for our life to start. Like, our life will really start "after Trevor has a 'real' job"..."after I am finally done with school"..."after we buy our own house someday."

Even though I KNOW that this sort of thinking is making me miss the life that is happening right now.

I am trying really hard to work on this part of myself, to unwire whatever hard-wiring makes my brain view things this way.

Trevor is so wonderful, especially when I get grumpy about feeling like we aren't where we should be in life right now and especially when those crazy feelings get the better of me and I say really mean or hurtful things. He keeps telling me that whatever I need to do to be happy we can do. If I need to not work and just stay with Ivie we will make it work. If I want to work more we can make it work. If I want to die my hair purple and wear only blue plaid we will make it work.

Trouble is, that I KNOW my issues have maybe 10% to do with my situation and 90% to do with my attitude and how I see things.

Trevor always looks at our life and sees all we have and all the good. He is a total "count your blessings" kind of guy. He says that he thinks the way we should always feel is "content, but not complacent." And that makes good sense. I have been repeating it to myself a lot.

And he is right - we are MASSIVELY blessed. We have been given so much.

So I am really trying to work on this. Trying to go to bed at night thinking of all the things I did well, instead of the things I didn't get done or cannot do right now. I have a little book on my nightstand and all week I have made myself write down ten things that I did well or enjoyed that day. It has really helped actually.

Does anyone else struggle with this? I feel like it is amplified a million times now that I am a mom. How do you cope?

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

2011-02-08T12:06:00.000-08:00

See this cute little Valentine?Our amazing neighbor and adopted grandma, Darci, offered to tend her for us on Friday so we can go to our Ward's Adults only Valentine Dinner...AND since it will be after Ivie's bedtime before the dinner is over Darci wants to just keep Ivie overnight!

So I am trying to come up with something surprising to do with the rest of our night off. I am sort of thinking I might have our camping stuff all together and a bed made in the back of our car (we can fit a queen air mattress in there), and that we will drive up on the BLM after the dinner and spend the night to watch the sunrise early in the morning. We have a little DVD player and I could pick up a good movie (suggestions? I don't even know what is out..) But I want it to be special and could use any other little thoughts you all might have. Ideas?

And no - I am not worried about Trev reading this...he rarely checks it and he is way too busy. :)

Sick day

2011-01-27T20:04:00.000-08:00

I have been really sick. Apparently when I got the flu last month I never took the time to really get over it, which results in the original flu making way for a mean and nasty bacteria called "second sickness flu" which is what I have. Apparently the best way to get over this is to sleep, for like 36 hours. All according to my doctor who sent me home yesterday with a cough syrup with a sedative in it that I wasn't to take unless I could sleep at least 8 hours. Hard to do with a baby right?

Not if you have an awesome husband and wonderful neighbors. Trev has cared for Ivie the last three nights, so I could sleep - lucky dog, she has actually slept through the last two nights completely from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM

Then this morning at 9:00 AM my wonderful neighbor, an adopted grandma of sorts for Ivie, came and picked up the baby and kept her until Trevor came home at 7:00 tonight. She brought Ivie home bathed, with a hair cut and also brought some delicious chicken noodle soup.

I spent the day sleeping. I woke up at 6:00 and missed my family so much! I was so grateful for the day off, and I do feel better tonight. But I was so happy to have everyone come home, even if it was just in time for stories and bed. The best part of my sick day was listening to a happy baby goo as her daddy read "Ten Apples Up On Top."

I am so grateful for good neighbors, good husbands, and hopefully the soon-to-return good health.

weirdness

2011-01-24T18:21:00.000-08:00

When I was little my father coached Ririe High School's boy's basketball team. There was one team that was pretty special. They won state. The only time Ririe has ever taken State in men's basketball. One member of the team was a boy named Corey Radford. He was killed the same year in a car accident. My father kept his funeral program on a shelf in our house for a long, long time.

The event effected both of my parents a lot.

Corey's father was killed in a snow mobile accident on Saturday.

My mom ran into Lynn and his wife Cindy on Thursday at the grocery store. She showed them pictures of Ivie and her cousin Bodee. They showed her pictures of their 12 grandchildren.

On Saturday some girl that I don't know posted "Prayers for Cindy" on facebook, and my little sister, following the thread saw someone write"WHY?" to which the poster replied, "Lynn died."

Another girl's blog that I read talked about her weekend. I went to high school with her and her husband. She talked about how her husband was called out on Saturday for a search and rescue mission to retrieve a body.

It is weird to me that I knew Lynn. That I know this other man - but that Lynn had no way of knowing this man who would retrieve his body. Something, that seems like it should be a personal thing.

Sometimes it seems we are all so connected. Our lives are full of these messy little threads that cris-cross one another in ways we can never understand and never imagine. Even in the completely artificial environments of isolation we create for ourselves - sitting behind a cubicle or in a single office for 8 hours a day - we really are just one big, messy tribe.

Quirks, Pizza and Silliness

2011-01-21T07:44:00.000-08:00

I love my husband.

He is so fun - he loves to do things outdoors, and in that space has no issue with dirt or grease or grime. He won't shower for days, he happily hikes through streams and mud bogs.

But, given the option to be clean, he is a little OCD.

Last night we were laying in bed watching The Big Bang Theory on his laptop. It's been a long week. We have all been sick - Ivie is on round two of really sick and we were tired. In the

episode we were watching the characters were eating pizza. And we both started to get hungry.

After discovering our favorite pizza joint up the street was open for another 20 minutes, we placed a take-out order and had this conversation as I was pulling on clothes to make the very unhealthy midnight meal run.

ME: Yes! Pizza in the bed. I am so excited.

TREV: We are not eating it in the bed.

ME: Yes we are. We are eating it in the bed and watching more big bang theory.

TREV: It is greasy and will get crumbs in our bed.

ME: Put a tablecloth on the bed.

TREV: The grease will soak through the tablecloth and get on our bed.

ME - slightly exasperated: Well, hon, it is 10:00 PM and I am eating this pizza in the bed and watching crappy TV, so you had better figure it out by the time I get back.

This is what I came home to.

Apparently, the box is to hold the pizza that is already in another box. This way the grease would have to try and make it through 3 layers of cardboard and a tarp. I love this silly, silly, silly boy.

In a couple of months

2011-01-20T12:33:00.000-08:00

Last week we were over to some friends for dinner. Their cute little seven year old was praying over the meal, and among his humble petitions he included the following:

"Please bless baby Ivie to have a good birthday in a couple of months."

We all had a good chuckle when the prayer was over and I made the comment, "Her birthday is still a little while away."

My girlfriend looked at me and said, "Well, March is only a couple of months away."

I was shocked. Then, and even now, I have been counting the months off on my fingers...waiting for there to be some big mathematical mistake somewhere. It seems impossible that Ivie will be turning 1 in only a little over a month.

But then I start to look at her, and remember how tiny she was. She is growing up so quickly. I love these pictures and how big - but still little- she looks in them.

Christmas Horror

2011-01-17T05:35:00.000-08:00

There is a small sadistic part of me that gets a kick out of the way that Christmas is so exciting, and yet so horrifying for some little kids. How many pictures have you seen of children screaming on Santa's lap and not laughed?

He is fairly terrifying after all, he is a huge man in a red suit who is going to slither down your chimney, poke around your house and eat all your cookies. PLUS he magically knows everything about your behavior over the past year. Kinda like a stalker.

I didn't get to place Ivie on Santa's lap and see her scream this year. We were never around a Santa. My little sister wanted to drive to the neighboring town where she had heard there was a Santa, but it didn't seem worth it to me. I am kind of sad now that I don't have that memory.

But I do have this. And I get a kick out of this tiny moment of Christmas confusion for Ivie.

I am really starting to figure this out. I open a package or tear up some paper and everyone looks at me and claps. Awesome.

Almost have it.

HOLY CRAP! What is that creepy thing?

Doesn't matter....it has a cool tag to play with. Don't look it in the eye...just play with its tag.

Writing

2011-01-14T07:37:00.000-08:00

I have to share - because I sort of like this. I had a regional literary journal solicit some of my poetry for publication. I sent them off 5 poems this morning. I am not sure yet which pieces they will pick - but this is one of my favorites from the batch:

Omen

There are frogs here
like nowhere I have lived before.
It surprised me that in the desert,
where water glints like liquid gold
that deep, throaty croaks
vibrate the air around
the complex, down by the river
and along the bike path that hugs its bank.

Where one week after we moved
in I careened around a corner
and nearly crushed one large,
genderless amphibian,
and a smaller one beside it where
they were basking in the blacktop heat.

We stopped to scoot them off
the path with the tip of a tennis shoed toe,
and I told my husband
it must be a mother and her child.

Though I know frogs aren't familial.

But the Egyptians thought they were.
And the Hindus, where frogs
represent fertility, childbirth,
the creation of the universe.

Even in early Christian imagery
the green river croakers
signal resurrection, restoration,
a spiritual awakening.

I didn't know then that you had begun to grow inside of me,
couldn't imagine that your tiny tadpole form would swim
in the watery warm beneath my heart.

A woman told she would never cradle a child,
I didn't see the frogs for what they were that day,
what they are, those shining amphibious prophets
that croon and call from the tamarisk and Russian olives,
promising that in this place
of red sand and cholla cacti
there will be life.

Faithful Friends...pain and perspective

2011-01-12T18:07:00.000-08:00

***A really long post - just some stuff I have been going through and some thoughts

This holiday season brought many wonderful moments...Ivie's first Christmas and snowmobile trip. A sweet surprise gift (or two) from Trevor, and lots of time with our families who we simply do not get to see enough.

It also brought the end of a friendship that was very dear to me, and a lot of struggles associated with that. It has been a good cause for some serious introspection and behavior adjusting. But it has been sad and hurtful and hard.

I met C during school. She was there for some of the most pivotal times in my life, and was a crucial shoulder to lean on, lean with and match in shaking with uncontrollable laughter. We shared many moments that were vulnerable and important to both of us. I have always thought that we would remain this close.

When I moved to St. George things were different. It is always expected that they will be to some degree when you move away. It was hard to know that C still met up regularly with our old friends while I was feeling far and away down south. I knew it changed some things, but I didn't realize how much it was changing. I have had many close friends in the past. Inevitably either they or we have moved away. We don't see each other as often as we like, most of the time we only even talk a handful of times a year, but we have stayed close. Since this was how most of my other friendships have been, I assumed this is how all would be. But things and people change.

In July as I was riding to Idaho with my sister in law for her wedding. C called. I answered the phone and after a few short minutes of chit-chat she said, "So I think I am leaving the church." I didn't really know what to say. It took me by surprise. I told her that I wanted to talk with her more, but that I was with my sister in law and would call her again after the wedding. Our phones cut out - we didn't really even get to say goodbye.

I thought about C and her situation throughout all of the wedding craziness in Idaho. I have lots of friends both in and outside of the church I belong to. I have friends who are catholic, atheist and even one who believes in a polytheistic system. I have always been okay with this. I think that spirituality is deeply personal and have always tried to accept everyone. But, something about the brief conversation with C made me massively uncomfortable. I thought in our brief conversation that it had felt like she wanted validation for her decision - and while I believe all men and women can and should worship how, where and what they may - I couldn't possibly feel good about telling her that I was happy for her decision. So I never called. I didn't know what to say. When I finally made it back to St. George, I sent the following email:

You!!!

I have meant to call you back....the road to hell is paved right?

Anyhow - as to the crossroad you mentioned, between the church and you. I have always thought that spirituality is a very deeply personal issue. I don't think that any individual has the same relationship with whatever faith they practice as other members of that same group.

So - if you are disengaging because your basic spiritual beliefs (there is a God, there is a Saviour, life after death, plan of salvation, etc.) are completely different, that is one thing. If you are disengaging because you have issue with how the church is run or people in the church who tick you off, I think that is another issue that has less to do with religion and spirituality.

Everyone's interior landscape is entirely different and no one can judge what is right for anyone aside from themselves.

For me, I do believe in the basic doctrinal principals on the church. I believe in a God, Savior and Holy Spirit that are separate beings. I believe in the process of the creation, atonement, fall and restoration. I believe that beings must make a conscious choice to accept the atonement and be held accountable for any action that hurts others and is not rectified. I believe the Bible and the BOM to be inspired spiritual works, written by enlightened and poetic individuals. I believe in modern day personal revelation and I accept the idea that one such enlightened individual who generally leads people in a pretty good direction can act as a voice for group revelation. I believe there is a destiny and path for this earth and its inhabitants. I believe that the relationships we create here among family and friends - lds or not - have a place and are maintained in that destinal journey. I believe the knowledge and experience we gain here stays with us in the next place we go. I believe in a personal, human and natural eternal progression of things. And I believe that if you try to live a good life, are honest, respect everyone and mostly focus on just improving yourself in any way rather than worrying about controlling other people then you are on a good path. Above all, I believe in free agency.

Of course, I also believe in a lot of naturalistic elements to Eastern Buddhism. I believe in literal and emotional meditation. I believe in karma. And I believe a lot in the natural world.

And I also believe that there have been stunning individuals throughout this human history that some call saints, I share my birthday with Saint Bertilla's feast day.

I believe there is truth in all things.

I like the lifestyle of the LDS faith - I think no drugs, drinking, promiscuous sex and following word of wisdom etc. works pretty well. I love the sense of community. I like the familial focus. And I would donate 10% of my income to another charity if I wasn't a member - so I believe in the tithe. I don't feel like I am giving anything up in order to be a part of this religion.

Most of all, I really believe those words in Moses - Men are that they might have joy. I have found joy in this lifestyle because of my relationship with it - I don't see it as a burden, I don't see it as a hypocrisy, I don't see it as a zealot. I am simply happy.

And I think you have to follow your own heart and your own joy. Folks who stay in any religion or worldview for the wrong reasons aren't happy. But nor are those who leave for fashionable or simplistic reasons.

That's my two cents - I love and respect and support you in whatever way you go. And I trust that you love and respect me for my views. If you want to walk through anything you are thinking I am happy to listen. Know I am not trying to persuade you in any direction. Like I said earlier, I am really working to just focus on my own life and path. Thomas Jefferson said that "the only men who will ever agree with you are those that already do." And I think there is a lot of truth to that statement. So I am not here to convince or advise. But I am here to listen, 'cause along with all of the above, I also believe in you!

Love,

C

I received an icy two line reply "I'm glad you are so happy in your membership. You're right. Spirituality is a very personal thing." No signature.

Again, I didn't know how to react. For reasons I can't even really describe, I was terrified to send the email in the first place. I have had other friends who have left the church. I have had these conversations before, and never was it so hostile. So I decided maybe that time and space were the best things.

Six months later I tried to contact C. I had a Christmas card and gift to send. Call after call, email and email there was no answer. I was blocked from her facebook wall.

Finally I caught her on-line chat one night. I asked if she was there, told her that I felt that something weird was going on, that I'd been trying to reach her. She didn't reply in the time that I was at my computer. And after leaving and returning I found a large open chat bubble with a response that said I was right to feel there was distance. She no longer felt that I was a good friend. I had not been there for her enough. I was too busy and selfish. When she tried to tell me about her struggle with faith I made it all about me. She no longer thought we were close. She did not feel she could talk to me about important things, or that I would be available to talk about casual things. She loved the good memories, and was happy to remain casual friends. But didn't feel we were close and didn't think a detailed conversation would change anything.

We had a couple of email exchanges from here. I repeatedly asked for her address for her Christmas stuff in every note. She only finally gave it in our last correspondence after I had already been to the Post Office and due to the crazy weather at the time, just after the roads in and out of our post office were shut down for flooding. So I never did send her a card. I donated her gift to the homeless shelter in town. And I feel badly about this, mostly because I assume that she will consider it another snub - when it was really just crappy timing.

I cannot even begin to describe how hurt all of this made me feel. I raged for days to Trevor. Why would she not say anything sooner? If we were ever really close how come she never bothered to tell me when she started to feel differently? Even if she won't admit it, don't you think it has more to do with my choice to explain why I do believe in the church and less to do with all the perceived snubs she thought I dealt out? And really, how many times did she call me when I had major things going on? How often was she there for me?

And because he is so wise. And because I am so lucky I married him. Trevor told me I had no control over C. He suggested I be grateful for the good friend I had for several years and then consider how I might move on.

So I started to think.

Maybe C had some valid points. How often did I think about emailing or calling an old friend only to decide I was too busy? And how many times do I read someone's blog or FB status and imagine that just because I know the published internet details of their lives I am still connected to them? I think sometimes the internet gives us a false sense of closeness.

And then there was this:

A while back I had a very dear friend get married. Getting married is something that drastically changes a person. I know this is true - still I was SHOCKED at how much my relationship with this girl changed. I thought that she became incredibly selfish and judgmental. I knew I wasn't on her fiance's list of favorite people, and I felt that significantly altered our interaction. I felt like she only called when she needed something. I felt used. I tried to talk to her about it several times, I even talked with her fiance about it and nothing changed. It just stayed awful. Somehow in a matter of three months her engagement literally erased years of bonds and trust.

To make a long story short...I felt like C felt.

Only, now on the other end of that coin, I knew that I never meant to hurt C. In the six months that she thought I destroyed our friendship I was simply busy learning how to juggle a new life that was made up of being a mom. I had experienced a huge life shift - the birth of my daughter, and it would be foolish to think that didn't change me. But I never meant to hurt C.

All of these thoughts made me see that my other friend probably didn't mean to hurt me either.

So, at the end of a lot of sleepless nights, many conversations with Trevor and loads of introspection, I came to this conclusion:

I do need to change the way I handle my friendships:

1- I need to forgive quickly. This isn't something that is easy for me to do. Remember this post? I wrote it while going through everything with my engaged friend this summer. I am working to truly let hurts I perceive go...after all, as I learned with C, the other person likely didn't intend them...and even if they did, who wants to hold onto sadness.

2- I do need to stay in touch with old friends better. Just before Christmas I promised myself that I would call two old friends during the week. I have done this, and continue to do this. And I LOVE it.

Honestly, I am really scared about half the time I dial a number. Some of these are people I have not talked to in literally years. And I am scared that one will answer the phone and rip into parroting all of C's comments about what a terrible friend I have been.

BUT - so far, I have had only lovely, reconnecting conversations. It makes my heart so happy when after about a minute and half of awkwardness, I realize that few things have changed. I am suddenly simply once more talking with D about how we both LOVE cats. It only takes moments on the phone before L - even after a year and a half - is spilling all the dirt on her sex life. A can't believe I called and was just thinking about me the other day. CB mentions Newsies just like when we were in high school.

So I want to say thank you. I want to thank these old friends for answering and for talking. I want to thank you for the friendships we shared in the past and the recent and promised more frequent chats. I also want to thank C - because even in the ending of our relationship, she has again managed to give me something that means a great deal to me. A fresh pair of eyes to look at the world around me and some motivation to adjust my behavior, and adjustment that has had the most wonderful consequences.

WOOT!

2010-12-25T23:53:00.000-08:00

One of the day's best Christmas presents? ETS called and I PASSED the GRE Literature Subject Test. It is a HUGE relief to me. The test was a pretty constant stress and test of my intellectual identity this year - nothing has ever made me feel more aggravated or stupid (except maybe college stats).

One step closer to that PHD - and that is a really good feeling.

Snow Angel

2010-12-09T21:04:00.000-08:00

Is she seriously too cute or what?

Really, I love this little person, so much more than I could ever have comprehended I would. Sometimes I still find myself at a loss of words to describe how I feel about my child. I type the words "my" but she is becoming more and more her own each day. She may be the bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh, but it is truly a privlege to be in her presence, to soak up the little life that she shares with us.

I beleive a lot of things. And one of them is that we all hold a unique and intelligent spirit inside the walls of these physcial bodies. I beleive those spirits have been before and will always be. I beleive in an eternal and physical progression of things. I hold my baby in my arms, and feel more like I am not really holding anything that is "mine," rather that I have the privlege of enoying a short-lived stewardship over, and an intimate and forever connection to another human spirit.

And it is fascinating to watch that little spirit unfold into a personality all her own. Sometimes I sit and stare at her and wonder who she will be, what things she will like, what she will do. I consider the thrills and the heartaches that wait for her and hope that she never forgets her worth.

Because it is so great. For me, she is a manifestation of so many things. And I wish I could tell her someday, make her understand somehow what and who she is to me, to her father, to herself and to the world.

Well, I did it...

2010-11-16T09:51:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, I went to this place
to take this test.I feel good about parts of it, and wish I felt better about other parts. Now I have to wait and wait and wait to get my score and decide if it is high enough that I can live with it, or if I will be going back toagain in April 2011 to take it one more time.

I was so relieved to be out of the testing center 3 1/2 hours later, and my brain was so tired that I got on the freeway heading NORTH and didn't even realize my mistake until I saw this sign an hour later.A little indicator of my intelligence that I will NOT be including in my PHD applications.

{Untitled}

2010-11-08T18:08:00.001-08:00

My neighbor is dying of cancer tonight.

We stopped to see her yesterday after church and things were not good. I regret not taking Ivie over enough in the time that was left. She loves Ivie. Her husband asked me to bring the baby as much as possible. But really, I only went about three times. And I feel badly for this.

Last night was the first time I have been with someone at such a terminal stage. She is young. She should be healthy. She should get to see her oldest daughter graduate from college in three years. She should get to watch her son start high school in one. Trevor told me later that he could not even find words to speak as we sat by her bedside with the baby. I don't know how to describe the feeling in that room. It was certainly sad, but to leave the thought at that does not do it justice, in fact, leaving it at that would be a disrespect. It was solemn there last night. It was sacred. It was dignified and resolved and heartbreaking.

We tried to visit tonight - but her family was all there, and they are not taking outside visitors anymore. My mind keeps flitting back to their home. The hug at the door from another neighbor there to guard the family's last bits of time and privacy. The disease. The kids. all of it.

But, what I really want to say is that she is a good woman. Her family is an amazing example of a family that has pulled together and grown together in these last few difficult months. I do not ache well in front of other people. Nor am I always a good support in the midst of a life crisis. I do not know if I would be as incredible as her husband and children have been. And, to me, that is the greatest testament of the kind of women that she is.

My heart fills full up of a million emotions tonight. Sadness, respect, fear, regret, admiration, hope and faith. There are too many things in this world that I will never understand, at least not in this life. I do believe that there is more. And whatever it may be, when the time comes, I hope she finds it in all of the glory and peace and wholeness and universal oneness that such an amazing life deserves.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2010-10-31T09:22:00.001-07:00

The best thing about taking an infant trick-or-treating is that you get to eat all ehr candy later! Everyone knows this, but she is so cute that they all seem cool with it. While we were walking around our neighborhood I decided that there must be some unwritten rule that children a year and a half or young must be some type of animal or bug for their costume. Ivie was a dragonfly.

Murder Mystery Party Sneak Peak!

2010-10-29T23:24:00.000-07:00

(Most handsome Jafar and Mystery host ever!)

I am wiped out tonight becuase we threw our annual Murder Mystery halloween party tonight.

I LOVE halloween. It is my very, very, very favorite. And Trev, and my good friends Blake and Michelle love it - and me enough - to help throw a murder mystery each year.

There is alot I want to tell about - but for now, just know that we had an awesome time - the theme was the "Where are they Now? - The After Story of Disney Characters."

People went way out on their costumes this year - which ROCKED. Serious kudos to everyone. I love this party.

I love our friends. I love my amazing neighbor for babysitting Ivie while we played. I love my husband and how fun he is. I love cheesy carnival games. And I really love disney song-singing contests with helium balloons. I love everything tonight. Thanks to everyone that was a part. :)

"Autumn - the year's last, loveliest, smile" ~ William Cullen Bryant

2010-10-26T11:36:00.000-07:00

Autumn does have a lovely smile, and I am biased, but I don't think that Fall's finest grin could rival Ivie's.

I have been thinking of buying some of these:

2010-10-21T14:29:00.001-07:00

Because Lil Miss Ivie is doing alot of this lately:

(PS - Don't you love the dress and headband? An awesome HANDMADE baby gift from the very talented CYN who I am lucky enough to call a dear friend. Check out her craftiness here and jealously oogle her massive sewing capability. )

(PSS - also notice my child's wonky hair? It is out of control. If you have any suggestions on how to do the hair of a little girl who inherited her fathers wild locks, please let me know. My mom, who babysat Ivie in Vegas for us a couple weekends ago while we were doing some stuff down there, just kept saying to me every morning, "I don't know what you are going to do with this hair.")

Bullies, Kids and Solutions

2010-10-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

since we aren't doing the TV thing with Ivie, I rely on her nap-times to stream the news and such shows off the Internet and catch up on the happenings of the world. Yesterday I happened to watch the ABC 20/20 Fri. Oct. 15,2010 episode (I think this will still be up on Hulu for awhile). Anyhow, it was a special on teenagers and bullying - given the recent events in the news about kids committing suicide after being, no pun intended, teased to death. Anyhow - it really got me thinking.

Some of the main arguments I took from the episode that the producers seem to be making about the problem of bullying are

kids can never get away from it - kids in today's generations are so linked to facebook, cell phones and other net sites that bullying happens outside of school zones and playgrounds - it happens in cyber space.
Adults don't do enough. From school officials to parents involved in situations that arise, there seems to be more adults who think it is best for kids to sort out their stuff, rather than intervene. One striking thing about this documentary was that ABC set up 4 teenage girl actors in a public park, where there were lots of adults. Three girls were surrounding and mercilessly teasing the fourth. They were saying horrid things to her. She was crying. All around them adults would look and stare, they would even look upset, but no one did anything.

The program bugged me. I always watch special news reports each day, and while I find a lot of them to be striking and interesting, some well done and others not, this one has really stayed with me.

And I think the reasoning is this: I have a kid. A kid who some day is going to have to start dealing with other kids. And kids can be very mean.

And, I know they can be very mean because after watching and thinking about the program I realized that I had a serious bullying issue in high school, even though I never would have called it that until yesterday.

In eighth grade I was attending Ririe Middle School and for some stupid reason a boy named Kory Anderson became the absolute bane of my existence there. Kory and I had been friends through middle school, but then one week in the eighth grade he started to "tease" me. he would say terrible things. Every time I would walk by Kory he would call me a "25 cent slut" or some variation of that. Soon it wasn't just Kory - it was all of his friends as well. Even though I knew Kory for years after this incident and I assume he grew up to be a decent guy - when I think of him even today I see his mean weasily little eighth grade face. Things got so bad and I was so bothered that after a few weeks I told my mom who told the principal who called Kory's mom who made him apologize. And even though Kory mostly left me alone after that, it was really too late and too many other 8th grade boys still made little comments here and there. Sure, the intensity backed off a bit, but there were still comments.

And I HATED it. I hoped that with the start of high school in 9th grade it would be over, that with lots more students, different classes and other activities those lame boys would lose track of me. And they did, to a degree. But just before school let out in May, when I was playing basketball for Ririe's freshman team the cheerleaders had all put these signs on our lockers that read Bad to the Bone" on them (our mascot was the bulldogs) and Marc Wicman - one of Kory's friends and an original teaser added an R to the end of my sign, making it read Bad to the Boner.

Standing in the hallway that day, staring at that sign on my locker I was done. I knew that I was never coming back to that high school.

Luckily, I had a good out. My parents were divorced and my dad lived in Madison school district's boundaries. I never told my parents about the continued teasing or that stupid sign. I told them I wanted to switch schools because there were more opportunities at Madison High school.

In fact, I have never really told anybody all of that until now. And I am not sharing in hopes of sympathy or anything. I have made my peace with that part of my past and switching high schools was one of the biggest blessings in my entire life. I did have so many more opportunities, met many dear friends, and arguably - without going to MHS I would never have met Trevor which set us up to date and marry later.

I bring this up because until yesterday, i would never have considered what happened to my BULLYING. I just thought of it as TEASING. Even last year, when my little sister Rachel told me about a group of boys at her middle school that she hated that were always calling her PIG and how she couldn't wait for JR High because she was pretty sure they would lose track of her there, I just thought she was being teased

And I can't help but wonder if sometimes kids who are being bullied don't even really know what is happening to them We always think of bullies as people who physically beat you up and take your lunch money.

And maybe more adults would step up and tell kids to knock it off if we weren't so afraid of disciplining or directing other people's children.

And maybe it is just a part of childhood that we all have to go through - but it seems like it is getting more mean and more intense each year.

And if I dealt with it, and then 13 years later my little sister dealt with the exact same thing, how do I protect and prepare my little girl sleeping in the next room to deal with it in another 13 years?

Is anyone out there?

2010-10-19T09:42:00.000-07:00

Life is crazy right now. There are so many things that I should be blogging about...but...for some reason, I seem to have sort of lost my blogging drive.

I know it has to with a lot of things. Obviously with a new little lady in my life I am lots busier than before, studying for the PHD entrance test is kicking my butt, and I also think that ever since moving my blog private I have lost momentum.

Added to that, is that I always loved that my blog was a way to hear from folks I don't often hear from, and a way for me to comment on others' lives...

But lately, it doesn't seem that much of this is happening. I find myself wanting to blog, and then deciding I am tired with a "meh, no one reads that stuff anyway.." Which doesn't help, becuase I know there are private blogs on my reading list that I rarely check because they are not updated enough (Clarissa and Shalee - you two are always so good I check you every day! ).

And I am guilty of not leaving enough comments for others as well.

There are things I want to blog about. Thoughts that I have. Updates on the fam or course, but more questions and conversations that I would like to throw out to a general readership. I have also had a literary journal solicit some poetry work from me, and I have to put some stuff together to publish in their Feb. edition - so I could use some feedback (good critical stuff, not compliments) on that...but sometimes I just don't feel like there are many folks out there.

I remember when my aunt Jessica, the one who inspired me to blog, left her final blogger note saying she was signing off, and I am kind of wondering if this is how she felt. Anyone else out there struggle with this? I guess what I am wondering, to rip off Hamlet, is to blog or not to blog...that is the question.

JUST GO TAKE A HIKE!

2010-10-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

After a serious lack of hiking in my life over the last 13 months - due to pregnancy and babies

(I hiked Angel's Landing in Zion during my first trimester and puked the ENTIRE way up the trail, and decided that prego hiking was no good for me, other hikers in the area or the great outdoors in general.)

I am back. And oh does it feel good. Actually, the good is mostly mental right now. My body is out of shape and my knees are shot, but slowly and surely my joints are strengthening again, and each hike gets progressively better.

Last weekend one of Trevor's instructors, who he really admires and respects, invited us to come along on one of their family's traditional hikes. They even let us borrow their old baby-backpack. I was so nervous about going. We hadn't been hiking in a long time, we have a 6 month old baby, the hike was 16 miles and trev and I are generally slower hikers anyway, due to my wussiness and Trev's weak leg. However, they assured us they would be happy to go at our pace, that they were willing to stop whenever the baby needed a stop. So we went. And I am so glad we did. Ivie did awesome, she was such a happy camper. She cooed and sang and slept in her pack and only fussed when she needed a bite to eat or a clean diaper. The trail was incredible. We hiked the West Rim Trail in Zion National Park and it will forever be one of my favorite hikes. It really gives you a different perspective on the hike. We didn't take enough pictures to even do it justice. If my life flashes before my eyes on my deathbed, I hope it moves slowly through this scene. It was simply breathtaking.

Ivie eating dirt. :)

And we MADE it. It took us all day, and we went slow and I was really hurting towards the end, but I am so glad we did it.

We enjoyed it so much we went out his week and picked up our own baby back-pack. It is an awesome pack, and if you are in the market for one, this is the one to go with. Trevor, Ivie and I all love it.

And Sunday, after conference, our good friends Steve and Lancia gave us a reason to use it. Steve, Lancia, their son Lykin and their dog Charley took us (Trev, Chelsi, Ivie and Ripsi) on a short hike (about 4 miles) to the incredible Snow Canyon Overlook.

We got caught in a quick and furious rainstorm. I love that Trevor is always so prepared - he had rain ponchos and jackets enough for everybody. I was unprepared though - Mother-of-the-year that I am, I forgot to bring warm socks for Ivie in the event that weather turned nasty. So she had to due make-shift booties from an adult sock and a bandanna.
The geology is so different here compared to where i grew up hiking. I do not have words to capture the sensation of cresting the last hill on a trail to have the valley below suddenly drastically open up with red rock and white sandstone formation. It is a type of poetry I cannot articulate yet, and it is a feeling I hope I never forget.

Together

2010-09-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

We didn't look like this when all three of us, myself, Trevor and Ivie, woke up in our bed this morning. Some of us had a little drool running from our mouths, all of us had really wild bedhead, and someone seriously needed to either brush their teeth or get a clean diaper...

BUT - we were together. And after a weekend of Trevor being gone to Las Vegas for a tax conference, Monday morning never looked so good. I love these guys.

Reactions to the new hairstyle:

2010-09-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

Remember how I decided to try some pinup-rockabilly style? A month into the experiment these are two comments I had this week from two different students (both girls, of course, only girls probably really notice or would ever say anything).

Student One: "How long does it take you to do your hair? It is always so cool. I've only ever seen people with hair like that in movies."

Student Two: "Did you go to hair school before you became a teacher? Your hair is always so pretty."

All of which - added to the comments some of you were sweet enough to leave - leads me to believe that this is a new look I will be keeping. I've tried some doosies in the past (the bad bang explosion of 8th grade, the freaky flipped out thing my freshman year of college. Yikes.)

So I think I will be keeping the new look:

It's relatively unique - and I like that. I appreciate it when my neighbor (a darling older woman) tells me often. "You just have such a classic, interesting, but different style." Even if she doesn't mean this as a compliment, that is how I am taking it.
it is WAY EASY to do. Serious. I think the time spent doing my hair has been cut in half. Don't believe me? Check out Youtube tutorials on pin-up looks, most of them are between 5-10 minutes in length - cause your hair really does pin-up that fast.
It is the PERFECT way to deal with long, hot heavy hair in the sizzling St. George sun.

I can do hard things

2010-09-10T08:44:00.001-07:00

These were some words that titled a post by a blogging friend of mine awhile back. I find myself thinking of them, repeating them to myself, often this week. Because, the truth is, that I am pretty discouraged and frustrated right now. Before anyone panics - it is nothing to do with Trev or the baby. We are all healthy and happy. Our lives are really good right now.

So good, in fact, that it would be easy to just sit back and coast and enjoy the wonderfulness that is us at this moment. It would be easy to forget that I am supposed to take my PHD entrance exam in a month and a half. An exam that scares the pants off of me.

And it is easy to justify that I don't really even need to get my PHD right now. After all, we just had a baby - I am doing the mom thing (and loving it!) I have a really great position at DSC for only having a Master's degree...maybe now is just not the right time.

Problem is that now is exactly the right time. Not long after Trevor and I were married we made a deal with each other. We decided to spend the first ten years of our marriage living dirt poor, not buying homes or furniture or too many toys, and pour all of our energy and money into our educations. That was always the plan, and the last two years of my non-schooling are evidence of my slackage. We have six more years to get a PHD - even if I could go full time (which is probably not a realistic possibility due to one beautiful little baby) we are talking about 3-4 years, so odds are that I may need all 6.

But the test is REALLY REALLY REALLY hard. And quite often I find myself more than a little discouraged. I hate the entire premise of the GRE Literature Subject test. It is, by design, meant for you to fail. Consider the following passages from my prep material:

On most tests, answering only 78 percent of the questions correctly results in a mediocre score. Not on the GRE Literature in English Subject Test. Seventy-eight percent correct on the Literature Test puts you in the 94th percentile.
...You must be aware that the test is going to feel extremely difficult. Most students come away from the test feeling like they have been mugged. It is certain that confidence can erode over the test and that performance can decline. Try not to let questions about material you have never studied by someone you have never heard of alarm you.
Discussions of raw score numbers demonstrate that, all things being equal, the more questions you answer the better your score will be. But the test is designed to push the average and even the above-average student to the limits of their reading ability. Don't expect to get to all 230 questions in the three hours you have.
And all of this seems to be completely true, judging by the practice tests I have tried to take. I have yet to complete one because I find myself so frustrated and feeling so stupid and asking myself - over and over again - how can I not know more of this?! I have been studying for a freakin' year! I eventually just quit and go back to reviewing my notes. The psychological warfare of the folks at the Education Testing services division is completely owning me.
And, if I am being really honest, the idea of failing paralyzes me. I hate failing. Truthfully, most of the time I keep my environment pretty safe. I rarely engage in activities or events where I have a good chance of failing. This is not a very honorable character trait, but it is one I hold. Risk scares me. And when it comes to this test, I have a good chance of failing. I know a lot of people who have failed, once twice, some even three times. it would be, for lack of a better wor, "safer" not to even try. But that also makes me pretty weak and lame. Isn't there some old proverb: "A ship in the harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built to do"?
Anyway....I have more complaints, more whining. And, I even have more happy things to blog about: Ivie's new inch-worm method of movement, My awesome husband's accomplishments, the massive deck project in our backyard, the cool new class I am teaching at the college, Ivie's stand-by sure-to-induce fits of hysteria games, BUT I can't write about any of it. I have to go study. :(

What's NEW with you?

2010-09-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

What's new with us is that we spent this past Labor Day weekend at Newport Beach. Trevor's family had a condo for the week down there, and we joined them for the end of their vacation. Cool things about this trip:

Trevor's Aunt and Uncle and kids were sealed to their son that they adopted from Romania in the Newport temple.
It was Ivie's first time at the beach. She loved the sand. Loved sticking her toes in it and - despite my best efforts - eating it.
Trev and I read the final book of the Hunger Games series aloud. We read the first one our trip to the Grand Canyon, the second one on our trip to Moab, and this final installment this last weekend - kind of a fun way to spend our summer trips. We had mixed feelings about the series conclusion.

We had a wonderful time. I love these pictures of Ivie on the beach. She is a little ham! She already seems to understand what a camera is for. This little grinning, proud personality emerges the second that Trevor takes out his big camera and starts snapping pictures. She is the most precious thing in our lives.

i NEED

2010-09-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

a PHD.
and maybe a massage.

A new look...a vain post....

2010-08-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

As I am beginning to get my pre-baby body back more and more, school was starting and summer was drawing to a close, I have found myself wanting some type of change.

You would think a baby would be enough change for one girl, and it certainly is, that is not the sort of change I mean. Though I think becoming a mother somewhat inspired the desire for a change in look and style. I have lately just found myself rifling through my closet thinking, "I'm a Mom now, I can't wear this anymore." I know that sounds silly, and it probably is. I just never want to be one of those moms who doesn't seem to know she's a mom.
Plus, I have been bored with my hair, but after growing it out forever and knowing that Trev likes it best long and red, cutting or dying weren't really options.

And with school starting again I also found myself looking for something professional, and for me that means hair mostly up and out of my face. Then Trev and I were watching Casablanca and I found myself wishing that people these days still dressed and talked and interacted like Humphrey Boggart and Ingrid Bergman.
I have loved the 1940's look for awhile. It started in college when my roommate and I happened upon a little 1940's dress in great condition in an antiques shop. I bought it, and several others throughout the years as they cycled through the antique shop. Then I discovered my favorite dress line in the world, Stop Staring. I have a dear friend in Logan who owns a little boutique that carries this line and I started picking up a dress or two each year at wholesale cost from her.

So I thought, why not give the complete look a try. We are talking bright lipstick, red nails and retro pin-up rockabilly inspired hair.
The hair is a pretty dramatic shift from my old hair-styles - victory rolls, big front bang roll and flower accessories. But I am having fun with it, and hope it isn't completely crazy looking. You be the judge - the following pics aren't great, but they showcase a couple of the styles I have tried over the last two weeks. Tell me if you think this is a bad move.

Glad

2010-08-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

After some consideration, and lots of creepy internet-facebook stalking of past peoples, I have to say that I am very glad about the way my life ended up, and even more glad it didn't end up the way I thought I wanted it to once.

Four Down...Forever to go.

2010-08-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

Date: August 17, 2006 - we took the plunge.

Date: August 17, 2010 - a couple of moves, a couple of degrees, a couple of pets, a couple of jobs, and a baby later we are still together.

I love this man.

Really. Marrying him was a good move.

This past Tuesday was a wild day on our anniversary. School is starting up again and so I have had faculty meetings this week. Trev and I have been juggling staying home and going to work. It has been kinda a crazy week. Tuesday we swapped back and forth doing the mommy/daddy thing and the work thing, and we didn't end up together until about 9:00 p.m. We were both tired and hungry and didn't want to cook. So Trevor called as I was driving home with these instructions: "Stop by taco-time. Spend 20.00. Get as much food as you can."

Taco-time is one of the few fast food places that I eat at on occasion. So I stopped. 20.00 bucks at Taco Time will buy you 4 hard shell tacos, 4 crisp bean burritos, 2 soft shell tacos, large stuffed mexi-fries and regular large mexi fries.

At home Trevor had the couch bed in the living room all set up, big glasses of water poured and a movie qued and ready to go. We gorged ourselves on a greasy taco-fest and watched some spy movie I can't remember the name of. We probably took years off of our marriage in grease and fat...but it was completely worth it.

Love you darlin' here is to lots and lots more.

Lifestyle Shift

2010-08-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

Trevor and I read an intriguing book whilst on our travels this past few weeks - we actually read several intriguing books, but one that has inspired a lifestyle shift at our house.

It is fascinating and written by this man. My mother went to a conference he was speaking at and recommended his book, Brain Rules, and we LOVED it.

I have been thinking about several of the ideas he introduces and the different things he suggests. PLUS, the man is a lovely writer. The writing is very scientific and research driven, yet the concepts leap off the page and stick with you (which makes sense as one of his main posits is that our brains don't pay attention to boring things).

The very first idea Medina mentions is that our fancy brains did not become fancy by lounging around - he cites loads of research suggesting that our early ancestors walked and walked and walked (not unlike pioneer children) and that is a major component in how human intelligence was honed and sharpened. Medina's big complaint is that we have become a stationary society. And the man isn't far off on that observation. Instead of exploring the more obvious and extensively discussed consequences of this societal shift like obesity, health care cost and shorter life expectancy, Medina instead looks at how all the sitting around we do (at work, at school, at home) effects our brain.

He has some great suggestions for incorporating more movement into educational and work environments. But what I like most are his ideas about incorporating exercise into our daily lives, without necessarily setting aside more time to exercise. His idea is to take things we are already doing and add exercise to them. One such suggestion was to read reports, books, etc while walking on a treadmill.

Most of you know that I have been studying my tail off for the GRE Lit Subject test, so tonight I walked and studied that tail off simultaneously.

Admittedly, it took some getting used to. My brain is not used to walking and reading together, but after about ten minutes I found a groove and worked up a smooth-sailing sweat while reviewing the great works of Christopher Marlow (I may never get the phrase, "Come live with me and be my love..." out of my brain, which is Medina's point and which - when it comes to my test - is a good thing.).

It was exhilarating. And I am not sure if it is an exercise-endorphin or simply great pleasure at my multiple accomplishments that has me grinning from ear to ear. Either way - I think this is a lifestyle shift I want to embrace and keep.

So, I may be upping my pace a bit tomorrow night and hitting Sir Walter Raleigh's works.

****Just a disclaimer to very Christian readers: Medina comes from an entirely evolutionary based view point, and that is pretty foundational to all of his arguments. So that might be a turnoff for creationists - but if you can, take it with a grain of salt and look for the truth that is in all things and positions - the ride is completely worth it.

Funny place, that zone between wakefullness and dreams...

2010-08-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

Time: 5:30 AM

I had just come back to bed from rocking a baby who seems to think the day begins at 5.30 AM

Me: "Know what I miss?"

Trev, mostly still asleep: "Mr. Rogers."

The missing link

2010-08-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

Consider yourself warned, this may be a slightly whiny post...you see, I find myself annoyed today. Annoyed by students, annoyed by collegiate education and even annoyed by myself. And here is why:

A couple of times this week I have had this conversation with different people. "I was so mad that my paper was marked so low in _(insert any class besides English here)____, I mean, it isn't a writing class."
Perhaps because I am an English teacher I bristle. But it really does make me wonder about the core concept of collegiate education and where students miss the link. Generals in every subject are not required so you can pass a single class and then forget all about it as you make your way into your major. So when I hear someone make the above statement I can't help but roll my eyes inside and think, "just because it is a biology class if you turn in an essay with blatant formation and punctuation mistakes you can't be upset to get docked for it. Biologists are expected to write well too." If I had a student turn in a flawlessly written essay about the function of the PIE formula, but the math was completely wrong, I would mark the student down for a failure of understanding their subject matter - so doesn't it make sense that writing matters in other disciplines?

Of course it does. So where does the misconception come from? Is it the specialized nature of our "major" system that breeds the idea that a general course is just "something you have to do?" Is it more indicative of the poor state of education across all levels in this country? Or is it just pure human laziness?

And don't think that this high-horse kettle isn't entirely aware of her hypocrisy in calling the pot black. I am not sure I even remember the last time that someone threw out even a basic math question and my brain made any attempt to compute it. And I know someone out there can quote me as I exited the GRE grad school entrance exam test saying, "I didn't even try on the math section because I am going into English and it doesn't matter."

What happened to the idea of a classical Renaissance education? And why don't many of us embrace it anymore (my husband, who loves every class he ever takes, remembers everything he learns, and always wants to try to learn something else, may be the single exception in my life to this).

And even though I really do feel all of the above...I still kinda want this sweatshirt. :)

Heartache

2010-07-16T19:21:00.000-07:00

In retrospect, I remember this remark made by my uncle when I was pregnant, "You won't believe how much you will be affected by what happens to children after you have your own child."

So, I suppose, in fairness I had been warned. But I don't think anything could have prepared me for the intensity of the sadness he described at the stories of children being hurt or lost.

And to say my heart aches and that I can't breathe when I learn that some of our new, dear friends down here lost their first son to SIDS at six months old, or when I hear about this little girl, back in my home town, only begins to describe an emotion that as a mother, and as one small member of this large human family, I have no words for.

I didn't know the parents of this little girl well, though I grew up in the same town as that little girl's mother. My mom is friends with the grandparents that were watching her when she fell into the canal. I knew her uncle very well, he is my age and we debated together all through high school. So I guess it would be easy to say that this story affects me so much because I have some tenuous ties to these people.

But, I think I have cried more tonight for this family and for this little girl because her eyes were the exact same shade of blue as my child's.

Or maybe it is because after you feed, clean and care for someone so tiny and tender, you only just begin to realize how fragile and precious and pure they really are. When you watch them stare with intent interest at their tiny hands, opening and closing their fingers as if trying to comprehend how they work, maybe you just begin to get a slight idea of how much life they have to live. And when something terrible happens to one of them, it doesn't seem fair. And the seemingly injustice of it all strikes something painful deep down inside of you.

Or perhaps as a parent you imagine, and fear, the pain those parents must experience. You see someone else live your nightmare and it reminds you that bad things happen to good people, and sometimes the most awful things happen to the most innocent of all of us. And it is terrifying, and, for a moment, immobilizing, to know that no matter what you do, there are things you cannot protect your child from.

One summer my family went to Lake Powell. My siblings and I climbed up some small cliffs to jump into the water. We screamed in delight and terror, and my mother wouldn't watch. I think I am beginning to understand why.

What is harder for me to understand and reconcile, is that she let us climb, she let us jump. I have thought much about the Sullengers and about our friends down here over the last two weeks. And I hold my little girl, I rub lotion on her brand-new skin, I sing to her and make her laugh hysterically by playing peek-a-boo, not because I think she loves it - but because I cannot get enough of her tiny squeals. I lay her in her cradle and stand back to watch her sleeping and feel like my heart is beating outside of my body, snuggled up in a paisley print blanket. And I say to Trevor, "How can we keep her safe? Can we just lock her away somewhere that she can't be hurt."

And because sometimes he is the more grown-up of the two of us, he tells me we can't. That we will have to let her go.

But I still ask him, "What if something happens to her? What if we lose her?"

He says back, "We just have to love her everyday as much as we can."

And I know that is the right answer. But sometimes it doesn't seem like enough.

It doesn't make the fear go away, or the hurt inside of me as I think of another family, back where I grew up mourning the loss of their little girl who won't get to grow up.

IF YOU CAN HELP THIS FAMILY, AND ARE INTERESTED, CLICK HERE

(Ivie at the Grand Canyon)

Always good to have a little reminder

2010-06-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

of how much I like my husband.

He is my very best friend - even though I am a hard friend to have sometimes. Really, I don't think anyone else in the entire world could be married to me. And I can't imagine my life with anybody else.

He left for Scout Camp at 6:00 AM this morning, and it already feels like he has been gone a million years. I'm lonely. Not sad-lonely, just quietly and reflectively lonely. Ivie is sound asleep and I should go to bed too, but I find myself wandering around the house looking for one more thing to do because a king sized bed is just too empty when there is no one in it to breathe on the back of your neck.

Which he does - and which I hate...but miss tonight.

It would be impossible to list the reasons that I love Trevor. Or to discuss all the reasons that I would be so sad to live a life without him.I would be lying if I said that every day was perfect - he and I both are strong personalities, extremely verbal and we both think that we are right most of the time. My dear friend's mother, who is a marriage counselor, told me once that Trevor and I probably picked each other out in the life before this one, because we could recognize the qualities the other had that we needed, and as much as we might intensely clash against one another at times, when we are in sync it would be even more intense and powerful. I think about those words sometimes and I think that is why it feels like home when I am next to him, no matter where we are.And I am so lucky that I ended up with him - because he is vastly different from the other boys I dated. Always more attracted to the stereotypical, sort-of-lousy bad boy type, I was just friends with Trev long before we dated. And for any girl like me out there who might also be silly enough to think that fast-talking, fast-moving boys with cool cars are where it is at let me tell you that they are not really what you want.

What you want is a man who calls you beautiful instead of hot. You want someone who calls you back when you hang up on him. You want someone who will kiss your forehead the first time he kisses you. You want someone who will tell you to wear less make-up. You want someone who describes you to his friends as "fun" and "smart" instead of "sexy."

Because that is the kind of man who will hold you when you are having a nervous breakdown. Who will buy you rock-climbing gear and teach you how to do it, because he wants you to come along with all "the boys." The kind of man who will move somewhere he can't get a job he wants for your career, and then will go everyday to a job he has to go to, so you can stay home with your little girl. He is the kind of man that can walk into any restaurant and order for you (tomatoes on the side and all) because he pays attention to what you like. He is the kind of man that walks closest to the street when you go for a walk in the evening. He is the kind of man who will breathe on your neck in the middle of the night, and when you tell him you hate it will pull the sheet between his mouth and your skin so he doesn't have to stop holding you. He is the kind of man that when your cousin asks him "why he wants to marry you?" for a bridal shower game will answer, "because she is my best friend." He is the kind of man who may be rarely mushy, and may seldom say "I love you," but shows you that he does every single day in a million little ways.

I don't pretend to know everything there is about love. Nor do I pretend to know what love means for everyone. I only know what it is for me. And for me love is knowing all about someone and still wanting to be with them more than any other person in the world. And love is trusting them enough to let them know everything about yourself, including the things that you are most ashamed of, and still knowing that they will walk through the front door at the end of the day. It is feeling so comfortable and low-key with someone, but still having your heart flutter when you are in a crowded room and he puts his hand on your lower back to introduce you to someone.

It is real. It is messy. It is intense. And it is oh-so wonderful.

A very FIRST

2010-06-16T21:08:00.000-07:00

Giggle.

My darling little girl looked up at me today, (while she was supposed to be eating - even though she wasn't really hungry- and I was stressing about getting out of the house on time because I was waiting for her to eat so I could take her to the babysitter where she hopefully wouldn't get hungry in the hour and a half I was at exercise class) grinned, her eyes sparkled and then she let out the biggest and very first giggle!

Pretty sure something inside of me melted.

And suddenly I didn't really care about the babysitter, or the class or the clock. I just held her and smiled and talked back to her and listened while she giggled over and over and over again.

This is us hiking to Ripple Arch last Saturday.

A Rockin' Day!

2010-06-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

Remember last August when I wrote this post explaining how nervous I was about the life changes a baby would bring?

Several wonderful friends left comments and made phone calls reassuring me it would all be okay. I will never forget a friend's advice who said, "Your baby will learn to love your life. it will love the outdoors because you love the outdoors. It will love hiking because you love hiking. Babies learn to live our lives really well, your life isn't over - you just get to share it now with this new person." Lovely advice.

And today, since Ivie turned 3 months old, I figured it was time for her to get outside and eat some dirt. Ok - not really eat some dirt, but I have been keeping her in all the time, and it was a big deal for me to let her hang out for several hours outside today. It was a beautiful evening, about 87 degrees, slightly overcast and just perfect for rock climbing.And that is exactly what we did. We went with our good friends, the Atkins. And had a blast! It was Ivie's first rock climbing trip and she was perfect. She hung out in her baby tent all the time. ***For anyone with a little guy/gal like us who loves the outdoors, this TENT is awesome. Seriously, it is one of my favorite things. Order one now.*** She was so happy in there with a little rattle (If you put a rattle in her hand these days she holds it in a death grip and waves it all around). She stretched and kicked and cooed and then fell right asleep.

Chelsea A. and I kissing the chains when we reach the top of the climb!

We really enjoyed climbing. I haven't been in ages, and was proud of myself for getting up two different climbs. But boy are my arms TIRED tonight.

Ripsi also loved running around like a maniac and chasing lizards.

We stayed out for four and a half hours, then we came home, put the baby to bed, built a little fire in the backyard and roasted marshmallows.

It was lovely. An absolutely perfect day with my perfect family and perfect friends. Thanks so much Atkins!

Colossians 3:13-14

2010-06-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

Some years ago I underlined these verses in my Bible with a fabulously sparkley purple gel pen (which makes me think it must have been high school).

Forgiveness. Something that doesn't come easily to me. When I am hurt I tend to just totally check out of a situation and just choose to stay hurt. Especially if the perceived injury comes from someone I really love or trusted or felt close to. Not one of my better qualities.

Especially when you consider that the definition for the word forgive according to good old Mr. Webster means to "let go of all resentment towards." Under that entry there could easily be this one: "See opposite of Chelsi Linderman's tactic."

I have always thought that I hold to the old adage, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Trouble is, that I don't balance that out well with still forgiving others.

My mother gave this example, "If someone comes to you and asks to borrow $100.00 and they never pay you back, then they come and ask you again to borrow $100.00, you can forgive them their debt, but you don't need to loan them $100.00 again." Seems easy to understand right? For me it isn't always.

Right now I am going through some stuff. The details don't matter, and even if they did, this isn't the forum for them. And, once again, I find myself struggling to let go,wondering how much I really do let go without opening myself up to being taken advantage of again?

So, all my blog readers, I am calling in a favor. Many of you are some of the best, most Christ-like people I know. Help me. I am looking for recommendations on things to read and study, cleansing meditation tips, anything.

I heard somewhere once that "Resenting someone is allowing them to live rent-free in your head." And I have some prime-mind property being taken up by exactly that right now. I have a totally obsessive personality, sometimes a hugely productive and beneficial thing - other times, like now, one of the worst tools in my self-destruct kit.

Enlighten me?

Some Perspective

2010-05-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

I don't often write about my spiritual thoughts in this forum...but after a dose of humility and a heaping serving of gratitude served to me last week, I want to tell this story:

A little over a year ago I was called to be the primary chorister in my LDS ward (the congregation family of the religion I practice). In my religion, we are encouraged to accept all callings on the understanding that they are extended to ward members based on divine inspiration in the part of ward leaders. I have been raised with this belief and expectation - so even though I did NOT want to be the chorister for the children's classes AT ALL, when my Bishop asked if I would take this calling I said "Yes."

It was the most challenging calling I have ever had. And I was an absolute whiner about it. I don't know how many nights I cried to Trevor, or how many Sundays I am ashamed to say I woke up and thought, "I wish I didn't have to go." It was hard - I am not a huge kid person, I am not really musical - and I was horrified at having to sing in front of a room full of people by myself (even if most of them were under the age of 12). But I went, and even though the calling got better, and I felt more comfortable in the chorister shoes - I spent many nights and mornings in prayer, asking this question of my Heavenly Father over and over again, "Why did I get called as the Primary Chorister?"

I never really felt like I knew the answer - and nine months later when the Bishop released me from that calling and reassigned me to teach the 17-18 year old Sunday School class (so much more up my alley) I was incredibly relieved - even though I did come to miss the kids. I said goodbye to the Primary President, an older woman named Darcy, and simply went bopping along on my way.

And then, I had Ivie.
I love being a mom, and I love my baby - but I am going to come right out and say that postpartum depression is a nasty bugger - and I think it effects many women in different ways - some are lucky enough not to get any of it - I am not one of them. Most days are great - but there are bad days (usually about one every two weeks) - and thanks to my amazingly kind, wonderful, understanding and patient husband I get through the bad days while I wait for my hormones to even out. It is just something I have to deal with and work to overcome right now. (Don't worry Grandma & Grandpa - I really am OK! :) ).

Several weeks ago, I ran into Darcy at church - I don't see her often anymore - because the children's classes meet entirely separately from the adults, and so our paths rarely cross. Now, to be honest, I never felt incredibly close to Darcy while I worked with her. But I knew she loved the children and really respected her for that. She often has other people's children and all the kids in the neighborhood simply love her. When Trevor and I bumped into her with Ivie-in-arms, Darcy said, "You know you can always bring her to me to watch. I would love it. And you don't need to dream of even offering to pay me to babysit."

Last Friday was one of my bad days - Trevor wanted to go out on a date - and so we asked Darcy to watch Ivie. By the time we actually finally got ready to go (after some crazy drama) I was feeling wound up and frazzled. In all honesty, I was ready to just stay home and crawl in bed and never come out. But Trevor insisted we go. Se we dropped Ivie off up the street at Darcy's and went to see Robin Hood (LOVED it BTW).

Being out for a few hours, just with Trevor was relaxing and so good for me. When we came back to pick up the baby Darcy had her bathed, in pajamas, fed and just ready to go home and go to sleep. We had the nicest visit with Darcy and her husband, Gordan, who asked us to bring Ivie back anytime, he said, "we will pay you to let us watch her." I felt so at peace to see my baby so happy and so well taken care of.

As we walked out of Darcy's house a sudden thought popped into my head, as if a voice clear as day said, "This is the reason you were called to the Primary." If I had not been called to primary I never would have met Darcy in any way more than passing - and even though there are other wonderful people in SG willing and happy to watch little Ivie, I feel so confident and secure leaving her with Darcy. And on Crazy-Mom days that feeling matters a lot.

It was an answer to a question that I had almost forgotten I asked months and months ago.

The past couple of days I have been thinking about this. And while some would say this is a happy coincidence, I believe it is something else: evidence of a divine creator and Heavenly parent who loves me - who can see a much greater eternal and timeless vision than I ever can, and in that wisdom made it possible for me to meet this incredible woman, knowing that I would have days like last Friday and that I would need her. And for this, I am so grateful, and humbled to be reminded that sometimes I only see a little part of a much bigger picture that has been painted and designed for my blessing and benefit. This is the best picture I have of Darcy - third from the left- at my baby shower

{HEART}

2010-05-27T10:41:00.000-07:00

I know this is a deviation from the listed posts below - which really might come someday.

But I snapped this picture this morning. And it just makes my heart happy.

Oh the stories to tell!

2010-05-19T09:01:00.001-07:00

Posts coming soon:

Belated THANK YOU post for everything pertaining to IVIE
Trip to Idaho
Post about CYN
Family Pictures
Ivie and Bodee's Blessing days
Taushie Robinson's (now Butterworth - yeah like the syrup) wedding
Summer 'O goals

Hold me to it...think I can get caught up by posting one of these per day?

6 weeks going on 13

2010-05-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

Ivie has started smiling...which I LOVE! However, while trying to get a grin out of her for the camera today she stuck her tongue right out.
Thought they didn't start doing that when you try to take their picture until they become teenagers. :)

Parenting Choices

2010-04-30T09:59:00.001-07:00

Let me preface this post by stating that in no way am I trying to influence anyone else's parenting choices out there. I think every couple should raise their child the way they see fit, as long as they generally follow good social practices and human morals.

That being said, I am floored by how many people seem to have no problem telling you HOW to raise your child or WHAT you are doing WRONG.

So, mostly this post is for me to vent about the obnoxious responses we get from people concerning a certain parenting choice we are making with our daughter.

After that set up you might think some crazy parenting announcement is coming - something like we are planning to breastfeed our baby until she is eight...or that we chant at her at night all sorts of brainwashing phrases. It is nothing like that.

Our crazy parenting choice is that we don't watch TV with Ivie - whenever we can control the situation (ie: at our house). (We don't order our family or friends who have the TV on all the time to turn it off when we visit - that would be crazy and obnoxious). Most of the time we don't even have it on when she is awake or sleeping in the same room. Occasionally, at night when she is in her bed Trev and I will watch a movie on our laptop in our bed.

{Second post disclaimer: this will be a rant against television.Don't read it if it will make you mad}

You would never believe how much flak we catch for this from visiting family and friends or people who happen to find out in passing. Everything from "That's interesting" to "That's crazy" to "That's stupid."

And I think part of the reason it bugs me so much is that this choice is VERY HARD. Those that know me, know that I have always had a show on in the past, not necessarily to sit and watch it, but I like the background noise. Really - try to quit watching TV cold turkey for a week. And sure there are days where I am exhausted and just want to unwind in front ot the tube (possibly becuase it really is a completely mind numbing expereince?) And I know there are probably people reading this thinking, "Yeah? Just wait til Ivie is older and you have had enough of her and need a break - you will be glad to put a TV show on for her" - a comment I hear A LOT about this. And it is probably true that there will be such moments, and I hope I can keep to my goal. Not watching is tough - but it is a commitment that we made and we have diligently stuck to it...even if that means that we have missed out on shows we used to love.

I just don't understand why people are so quick to judge this - and verbalize that judgment - PLUS, doing a bit of research shows that it isn't that insane. The American Pediatrics Association recommends that children don't watch ANY TV before they are two, and then only a half hour of TV after that. Other reasons for our choice can be found here, here and here. And maybe more insane is fact that there are now more than 240 million television sets in the United States. Most homes have more TV's than people living in them. 2 million of those television sets are in bathrooms. The average US high school kid will spend more time in front of a TV than in a classroom by the time they graduate. The average child spends 22 hours a week watching television (that is a part time job). Or, that 54% of those average kids when asked if they would rather watch TV or spend time with their fathers, pick to watch TV. Source Info Here.

It isn't like this is something we simply arbitrarily decided to try just for the heck of it.

Aside from such reasons, the absence of the TV in our house has given us some really beautiful things in its place. We sing more - and I have been learning the melodies and lyrics to all kinds of classic songs to sing to my daughter. If I am not singing to Ivie then I am talking and talking and talking to her. Or if Trevor is home he and I are talking and talking and talking. We read more - in quiet moments we read to Ivie - her books, or ours, I don't think it matters much so long as she hears our voices. Trev and I read more books aloud together, which is something I love. And we listen to more music. And - truth be told, we get more things done as well.
These are all of the things I want to snappily say back to others who keep telling me I am nuts and that I will have a socially awkward child. But - most of the time I just smile and change the subject.

So thanks for letting me get it out of my system and explain my choice. If I am really honest, another reason this rubs me the wrong way is that to abandon the TV has been a struggle for me - and when people belittle the decision it seems synonymous to telling an obese person who has started an intense diet that they are nuts for trying to improve themselves and pick up a red velvet cake on the way home because it will be good for them socially. Is watching too much TV really so different? Especially when you consider the TV is one of the causes for the obesity crisis in our country?

And really - no judgments on if any of you let your kid/s watch TV or not - to each his own. My mom watched plenty of TV when she was pregnant with me and I turned out just {MOSTLY} fine. :)

JAMIE WEBSTER!

2010-04-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

This note is for you - asking to pretty, pretty please be invited to your blog. :) I miss reading about you and somehow missed when you went PRIVATE. Shoot me an invite at chelsi.linderman@gmail.com. I need an adorable picture of little Luke fix.

As extra enticement for an invitation - here is a bit of a flashback to our lives pre-husbands, pre- college degrees, pre-children. A time where we wandered around Russia admiring stautes and palaces...
Rode an often very crowded and always very dirty metro to get back to our fabuloulsly grimy apartment...

And where it took an awful lot of help to ever get me to look beautiful. :)

Thanks!

And for anyone who is not Jamie - I love all of you too, and love reading about your lives, and don't want to be left out when you put your blogs under lock and key. ;)

{ love }

2010-04-16T21:59:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to say -

I am doing so much better since a few days ago. After Trev gave me a night off I am caught up with work and recharged. Thanks to all who called and checked in on us. We are fabulous and so very happy.

Here's to more happy days...and to knowing that if there is a little bump in the road the next morning will always be better. :)

A Minor {MAJOR} Meltdown

2010-04-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

Every new mom has one right?

Well, yesterday was mine. To spare my few readers the sad and self-pitying details - my morning started with me caught somewhere between the demands of being a new mommy and the stress of falling behind at work because of being a new mommy. By 11:00 AM I was crying while blow drying my hair. At noon I started to call Trevor - even though I knew he was in class. After the third phone call he figured it must be something important, stepped out of his class and called me back.

I am not sure I even said "HI." I think the conversation pretty much went like this "Please come home now." in a voice full of tears.

He was here in 20 minutes. Even though he had more classes. Even though he had more schoolwork he was planning to stay at campus and do. And for those of you who know Trev and know how incredibly intense and serious he is about school - you know what a big deal this was. (It is so unusual for him to just leave class like that, that his teachers and classmates called and emailed all evening asking if we were ok).

He came home. Let me cry for just a minute and then sent me to my office so I could get caught up.

When I came back at 7:00 pm the house was clean, the baby was calm and he was just getting dinner ready.

We ate together and visited (something we haven't been able to do all week) and then went to bed early where he snuggled me and Ivie until she fell asleep and was moved to her own bed.

More than any piece of jewelry, or any amount of roses ever could have, yesterday reminded me how much my husband loves me and how much he cares for our little family. He is my hero. And I am the luckiest girl in the world.

A day that started with tears and feelings of being overwhelmed ended like this...just as happily ever after as our Linderman Life fairytale has to offer.

Alchemy

2010-03-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

Two products I am a complete believer in:

1) Red Raspberry Combination
If you are pregnant, or know anyone who is pregnant I HIGHLY recommend taking red raspberry herbs after you hit your 37th week. My mom passed on the red raspberry combination to me, it was recommended to her by my aunt Jill when my mother was pregnant with me. This stuff really is amazing, and I think it made a HUGE difference in how easy my delivery and recovery after Ivie have been.

As Louise Tenney, M.H. writes in her book Today’s Herbal Health: The Essential Reference Guide, Fourth Edition, "red raspberry is one of the most renowned herbs used by women, especially during pregnancy. It contains nutrients that help to strengthen the uterus wall, reduce nausea, prevent hemorrhage, and reduce pain of childbirth. Red raspberry helps reduce false labor pains common in some pregnancies. It also helps enrich the colostrum found in breast milk. Drinking the tea will relieve painful menstruation and aid the blood flow. If your flow is too heavy, red raspberry tea will help it decrease uterine swelling and cut down on post-partum bleeding. Besides being good for women, red raspberry is a wonderful herb for children to use in case of colds, diarrhea, colic and fevers. It is also a good remedy for infants who suffer from dysentery and diarrhea. Red raspberry contains vitamins A, C, D, E, G, F, and B. It is rich in iron and calcium and contains phosphorus and manganese." (pp 133, 134).

I asked my doctor about taking the RR, and he said he couldn't confirm or deny its medical applicability, but he could promise it wouldn't hurt my baby. When March 11 rolled around my labor pains started really easily...in fact, to be honest I didn't even realize I was in labor until I was dialated almost to a 5. The doctor had asked me to go to the hospital to get a test done (he had seen me that morning and was concerned I might be losing amniotic fluid). I didn't want to do the test because it is an extremely expensive test and so I was negotiating with the labor and delivery nurses about other options. We finally settled on a less expensive type of test that could give us the same information. On the phone the nurse asked me if I was having any pains...I told her I wasn't sure if I was or not - I felt like my stomach was tightening up every few minutes or so, but it wasn't particularly painful.

Trevor came home and picked me up and we went to the hospital. At the hospital a labor and delivery nurse tried to administer the fluid test, but couldn't because there was too much blood in the way of the swab she needed. During the test I told the nurse I was feeling the tightening sensation again and she felt my stomach and responded with, "That is a pretty big contraction...we cannot do this test because you are in labor." So they admitted me to the hospital. This was about 3:00 PM.

Around 5:00 PM the doctor came to check on me - I realized I was having contractions now, but they still were not particularly painful, just more frequent - about every four minutes. The doctor didn't think I was "uncomfortable enough" to be in actual labor and talked about discharging me (NOTE - this was the on-call doctor, who I didn't love, my doctor, who I do love was out of town). We agreed that Trev and I could go walking a little bit before we were discharged to see if that made labor pains any more intense.

We walked and walked and walked. At about 7:00 PM my contractions started to become much more intense. We could only walk in one little loop around the hospital, and the contractions were coming about 2 minutes apart and I was certainly feeling them. Trev would stop and hug me as I tried to breathe through them...but at one point during a contraction I bit his shoulder as he was holding me, and that is when we decided that I would get an epidural. :)

At 9:00 PM the anesthesiologist gave me the epidural (HUGE fan of pain management) and the doctor checked me again to say I was dilated to a 7, almost an 8.

Then I went to sleep. Completely zonked out. The LD nurse came into our room at 11:20 and said that the baby's heartbeat was matching the contraction rate and that it was time to get ready to have a baby. I was sleeping so peacefully (and mercifully through all those contractions) that Trev had to literally shake me awake.

I pushed through three contractions and Ivie was here at 11:45 PM. I only had what the doctor described as half of a first degree tear and no other troubles (thank goodness, I was living in fear of horror labor and hemorrhoid stories).

Many of my nurses told me that the RR was certainly one factor in how the whole thing went so smoothly, and I have to say I am a believer. My recovery has been a breeze to. I was back to work in 8 days.

The second thing I am an awfully big fan of is:

2. Eye lash stimulatorOr, as I call it, eyelash steroids. Seriously, my mom gave me a tube of this stuff for Christmas and I swear it has worked miracles on my lashes. They are longer, fuller and thicker. I definitely recommend this to everyone as well. The stuff is expensive, so call in a favor from a friend who works at a beauty supply store before picking up a tube.

Some Perspective

2010-03-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

Nothing like having a child to create a paradigm shift.I can't stop thinking about a moment, approximately 3:30 AM, March 11, as Trev and I lay in the teeny tiny hospital bed in our delivery recovery room. My husband held my beautiful daughter against his chest and said:

"It is weird to think that your parents know you longer than you know you. We will never forget this day, and she will never remember it."

So true, and only one of the few things I am coming to appreciate about parenthood. As a mother, I now know that I would never do anything to hurt my daughter or make her life more difficult - something I didn't always give my own parents credit for.

I now know what it is like to wish more than anything in the world that I could stop anyone or anything from ever hurting my daughter...and at the same time I know I can't, and that likely the thing that will hurt her the most in her life will be herself as she makes choices and learns from their consequences. I know my heart will break watching her gain experience in this world, but not as much as it rejoices at all the potential I see bottled up in her little body.

I now know how hard it must be for daddy's to go away to work each day, when Trev comes home and asks about anything he might have missed and just wants to hold his baby for the rest of the night.

I now know how much I really love my husband.

I know love is a deeper and more complex thing than I ever imagined.

And mostly I know, as selfish as it may sound, how glad I am that Ivie is just mine and Trevor's right now. I am excited for her to grow and learn. I am so interested to see who she will become...but for right now I am glad we know her before she knows herself. And I know these are moments I will hold onto forever.

A Model Baby

2010-03-19T07:51:00.000-07:00

Ivie is a model baby. Really, she is practically perfect and sooooo very easy and even tempered. My doctor and the nurses gave me this parting advice as we left the hospital, "Don't ever tell anyone how easy your first delivery was and how mild mannered your first baby is, they will hate you."

Go ahead and hate, I am telling anyway.Ivie made one little, itty, bitty cry when she came into the world, and we haven't hardly heard much from her since. She doesn't cry getting bathes, she doesn't cry when she needs changed or fed, she didn't even cry when the nurses pricked and bled her heel for some tests. When she is upset she scrunches up her face and makes this funny little squawk and then just patiently waits for us to figure out what she needs.

My mom, who has been staying with us this week, refers to Ivie as a "Let's pretend baby." She is that happy and that easy. Really a perfect model. Not to mention that she is beautiful. She arrived at the perfect time in the dessert: Spring. Spring comes hard and fast here, for just a few weeks everything has a blossom - it doesn't last long but it makes the glorious moment it is here really count.

Trev who has always been a saver for as long as I have known him has been saving his Christmas and birthday and budget money for the last two years. He does this. I remember dating him when he finally decided to buy a nice pair of expensive sunglasses and pulled a stack of 5's, 10's, and 20's out of an old copy of the Book of Mormon (Grandmas - if you ever wonder what he does with the birthday money you send, this is it.) and explained it was his birthday money from the lat three years. Trev is not an impulse buyer, and it takes him a long time to decide what he wants and then carefully research and shop for it. He had been saving the last few years for a road bike. He'd even picked out the one he wanted. Then two days before Ivie was born he simply changed his mind and informed me that even though we have a pretty nice camera, he wanted a better one to take pictures of his baby with. Whatever, it was his money. So he went out and bought one. He spent many hours reading and practicing with different lenses and focus modes on Ripsi...which all paid off because we ended up with a perfect, model baby - who has been a little model for her daddy.

Here is the Spring photo-shoot he and Grandma Cob arranged and snapped last night: I have to work hard on improving myself to keep up with my little model family that I love so much.

Family

2010-03-13T12:08:00.000-08:00

March 11, 2010, was a very extraordinary day. Ivie Thelma Linderman joined her parents at 11:45 p.m. Weighing in at 7 pounds 8 ounces, she was 20 inches long.

As you all could probably guess, Chelsi was amazing.

The proud little mother (check out the hair)

*** Thanks to all our family and friends who have helped make this moment possible, all of your love and support means the world to us. We love having a blog to share our lives with those who are far away from us and want to continue posting. However, with this new preciouse little gift we would like to move our blog to a private setting. Please leave a comment with your email address or email chelsi.linderman@gmail.com if you would like to be a part, (even if you only read quietly without commenting, or are a "facebook friend" we still want to include you so let us know who you are, so we don't miss anyone).

Thanks for all your love and support, talk to you soon.

-Trevor

Retraction

2010-03-11T06:32:00.000-08:00

After the doctor got my hopes very, very up that we would have a baby now. Everything just stopped progressing. I am starting to think we will never have a baby and I will just be this way forever.

The Beginning of the End....

2010-02-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

We saw the doctor yesterday - it seems my body is already getting ready to do this thing. I have started dilating and the baby is pretty effaced. Scary and exciting. I am convinced that God, in all infinite wisdom, makes the last month of pregnancy so miserable that even people like me are ready to actually have the child. My brain just keeps saying - "Let's get this done. I don't totally know what actual parenthood entails, and I am still terrified, but it can't be worse than this. Bring it on."

Anyway...turns out we might have a baby before March 15 - the doctor seems to think there is a good chance it could be an early arrival (He is now guessing anytime between now and March 6) He also thinks it won't even quite weigh 7 lbs, probably in the 5 or 6 range (hallelujah!)

Until then you can find me out walking and walking and walking.

Breaking up is hard to do

2010-02-19T18:48:00.000-08:00

It always has been. However, I find myself thinking lately about how much harder social networking sites like Facebook and even our blogs make it. We have had a number of friends and acquaintances in the last little while, for a variety of reasons, call it quits on their marriages or long-term relationships. Trev and I have tried very hard in each of these cases not to take sides and to just treat each individual with all the love and friendship we have always treated them with.

I am no stranger to divorce - I grew up in a divorced family. I know that life can be messy and complicated. I know there is usually blame for both sides. I know that this type of relationship dissolution inevitably changes the relationships of everyone even peripherally involved, friends, co-workers, neighbors...heck, even the mail man has to start forwarding and returning letters.

Still, it is jarring to me when couples we know and love split up. I feel weird about it. I feel even weirder when I notice that their blog hasn't been updated since the last happy thing posted months and months ago. Or that is has suddenly gone private and we don't have an invitation. Not that I am sickly curious and want to read about all the aching details and events of their breakup. I just hate feeling like I have been broken up with too in some way. And, as to the abandoned blogs, I don't know if I should delete them...then I feel like I am being the breaker-upper.

And Facebook is a whole 'nother story. It shouldn't feel like a little bit of a slap in the face when you are suddenly not friends with someone just because you exist as a part of a past life they are undoubtedly trying to and needing to move away from...but it does.

All of which makes me wonder, was life less complicated before we started recording our personal histories, insights and lives on the Internet where the smallest nuances of our days become a matter of public record and can never be taken back? Was it better when you just happened to hear about someone's tragedy (someone who you didn't really keep up with) through the grapevine rather than reading about their lives (even though you rarely talk) and feeling like you are intimately involved in their happenings just because you know what they did last Saturday and have seen pictures of the event? Are we really better off knowing so much about each other? Because how do you handle it when you suddenly don't want anyone to know what is going on anymore. Disappearance and deletion seem to be the conventional solution, and I am not sure why that feels so odd to me.

I will never forget going out with a boy on a second date and being completely alarmed when he said, "So I googled you before dinner." And I will totally admit that I am guilty of googling or perusing Facebook profiles looking for the names of ex-boyfriends or those girls I didn't really like in High School...but isn't it kinda sick and narcissistic in a way?

And maybe the real irony of this post is that these private thoughts on peoples' private lives are appearing here on my public blog. hmm.

The way to a man's heart...

2010-02-11T18:33:00.000-08:00

is through his stomach. Or at least that is the saying at our house this year. With Valentine's Day rapidly approaching I wanted the perfect young, married extremely-pregnant-person's gift to give to my husband. Namely something that had the following attributes:

1)something sweet

2)something cheap

3)nothing that required trying to put this swollen body into anything sexy and tight (which would most likely make me look like a cellophane wrapped sausage) or anything flowy and pretty (which would most likely make me look like a circus tent).

The solution????

Black Licorice caramels (this is the caramel setting up in the pan)Peanut Butter chocolate TrufflesMint Truffles

And Almond Coconut Truffles!!!

I LOVE

2010-02-06T21:26:00.001-08:00

spending my life with HIM!

What do you crave?

2010-02-03T20:20:00.000-08:00

Next to "when are you due?" and "Do you know what are you having?" - this this the most common question I have been asked since it has become visibly obvious that I am in the family way. And even though I have read countless articles that say pregnancy cravings are an old wives tale, I have found myself liking two very specific foods that I have always liked, just in increased amounts and frequency...and perhaps more noteworthy than that is that I sort of like them together, not because the tastes really compliment each other, but more because I want to eat both and why spread out such snacking?

So here is my answer:Pickled Beets

ANDKiwis

Seriously - I have been eating kiwis until my lips go numb and tingly. Thanks to my fabulous grandparents I have a years supply of home made canned beets - but we go through about a bottle every four days. I also owe thanks to my sweet husband (and Stacey and Ben and anyone else) who has ever stopped by or run to the grocery store to buy me the kiwis.

I couldn't have said it better

2010-01-30T15:16:00.000-08:00

Isn't it delightful when you have had an idea or emotion that you just can't put into words, and then you stubble across a perfect sentence or description where someone said it much better than you have ever been able to? You smile and exclaim "That's exactly what I mean!" and it is like some little part of your world suddenly makes more verbal sense?

I owe such a lovely lexical, lingual moment to Mr. Herman Melville.

The emotion is this: Each winter Trevor and I have the same argument about running the heater at night after we go to bed. He likes it on...I like it off or at least very, very low. I like the house to be cold, even "frigid" according to my husband. I have never been able to explain this...

until Chapter XI of Moby Dick

"If you flatter yourself that you are all over comfortable, and have been so long a time, then you cannot be said to be comfortable any more. But if...the tip of your nose or the crown of your head be slightly chilled, why then, indeed, in general consciousness you feel most delightfully and unmistakably warm. For this reason a sleeping apartment should never be furnished with a fire, which is one of the luxurious discomforts of the rich. For the height of this sort of deliciousness is to have nothing but the blanket between you and your snugness and the cold of the outer air. Then there you lie like the one warm spark in the heart of an arctic crystal."

(Don't you love that?)

A good old dress

2010-01-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

I get a lot of flak for having a lot of clothes. People are constantly asking me if all I do is shop. And they never seem to believe me when I tell them that I don't really shop much at all. In fact, aside from some maternity clothes I haven't bought a new outfit since my birthday last year. :) I haven't bought a new pair of jeans since 2006.

So where do all the clothes come from? I have not grown or changed sizes since seventh grade. And, admittedly, there were days (back when I was single) where I shopped quite a bit. And I like to take good care of my clothes. And I love being around when friends are cleaning out their closets. This has resulted in a mass accumulation of wardrobe.

People often ask me about something I am wearing and where I got it - and truthfully I often can't remember because it is from years ago. This must be in my blood. My grandmother (also known for her closet) and I had the following conversation this Saturday after my grandpa admonished us both to get rid of clothes.

Me: Most of the clothes are from years ago, and most of those I bought at thrift and antique shops.
Grandma: I know. People ask me all the time where I get such nice clothes, and I say, my goodness they are fifty years old!

So I had to laugh to myself on Sunday at church when several people complimented me on the dress I was wearing.Why was it funny? I found this dress with my mother-in-law while sorting out some things in their basement. It was one she wore in college...and one she wore when she was pregnant with my husband! Which makes it at least 26 years old. You just can't beat a good, old dress.

Lucifer

2010-01-19T18:59:00.001-08:00

the cat, not the devil, died today.He had a beautiful life at a lovely little home in Idaho where he was fed cans of tuna and sometimes peed under the piano bench. He was a good cat. And so I cried today when my mom called and told me he was gone.Lucifer was one of the best cats I grew up with.

Throughout my childhood there have been many cats - we lived on a farm and farm cats come and go, but when I think of childhood pets I think of three defining cats: Blackie who I had when I was a little girl, who ran away and who I prayed and prayed would come back (and who did until he passed away and was buried under an old pine tree). Pansey who lived for 22 years - several of which she survived with one eye and who was a "tough old cat." And finally Lucifer - who was sort of named after the big poofy cat on Cinderella but mostly received his namesake from my little sister who hated him because he used to hide under things then dart out at her feet.

And even though I haven't lived with Lucifer since the night before I left for Russia (the night this picture below was taken - that's him sleeping on my suitcase) I felt his loss today as if he had always been right down the hall, snoozing in my bed for all these years. And I was a little embarrassed and mostly glad that no one else was here while I bawled as I cooked dinner.
Funny how pets become a part of who you are. A french writer, Jean Cocteu, said the following, "I love cats because I love my home, and after awhile they become its visible soul." So tonight I am missing Lu...and thinking about how he improved the soul of my childhood home, and how it will never be the same.

P.S. - My mom and I are pretty sure that if Lucifer gets to pick how he spends feline eternity it will be like this:

What do you do on a...

2010-01-19T18:50:00.001-08:00

drizzly federal holiday when your husband is home and you should be either cleaning the house, working in the yard or doing scores of other things?You declare your own holiday and have "Awesome Winter Hat Day" at the dog park instead.

Be careful what you wish for...

2010-01-17T20:33:00.001-08:00

It is not much of a secret that between Trevor and I, I am definitely the more nurturing of the two. Trev is sort of a "cowboy up" and "walk it off" kind of guy. Unless, of course, he is the one who is sick - and then he loves to be babied.

In the last month the poor boy has had it. He started off just before Christmas with a pneumonia and worked his way into a terrible head cold of congestion that he has been fighting for a week or so now.

When Trevor is sick there are three things that, as his built-in nurse, I believe in:
1) Vicks Vapor Rub
2)Hot baths
3) a humidifier with Vicks Vapo-Steam in it.

**Just a side note - I love the smell of Vicks Vapor Rub and would happily live down wind from Vicks Factory.

Whenever Trev is sick and I try so hard to take care of him - the martyr in me also often makes comments like this "Remember how good I am caring for you next time I am sick."

Well, it seems, when I caught the head cold just days behind him that Trevor finally took that admonition to heart. Turns out that as a nurse there is one thing that Trevor believes in: Water.

Yup - that is it - plain old H2O and lots and lots of it. He doesn't explain why. He just becomes a water nazi. The man seriously sets the timer on his watch for every 20 minutes then brings me a huge glass of water. This was cute and sweet for about the first hour...then it became tedious. But he is so persistent that I just keep drinking the glasses of water.

Don't get me wrong - being hydrated is good. In fact, Trev may be onto something in using hydration as the way to treat a cold. And it is so darling and sweet that he is really, genuinely trying to take care of me instead of giving me the usual line about "just riding it out." The biggest problem with the whole arrangement is that I am 7 and a half months pregnant and have a 4 lb fetus sitting on and squeezing my internal organs...one of which happens to be my bladder.

So between my 20 minute doses of water you can figure out where I spend approximately ten of my other minutes.

Fragile

2010-01-11T19:08:00.000-08:00

Reading over the last few entries in my blog and thinking over the last few months I realize that my pregnancy has been filled with a wide variety of emotion. Fear, anxiety, excitement, apprehension, love, wonder, discovery, concern, care, joy...just to name a few. Tonight though, as I feel my baby roll and kick inside of me I am overwhelmed by a feeling I cannot quite name or put my finger on.

We often hear that life is fragile. Until this point in my experience I have always associated this sentiment with random tragic, untimely deaths: a car accident that claims a child, cancer that seems to unwittingly strike, any of the thousands of ways that the forces that make us breath and beat can be snuffed out.

Tonight though, I find myself thinking about the fragility of the process that forms life.

In the last year we have known three couples very close to us who have suffered difficult pregnancies. The first resulted in an incredibly difficult and mysterious miscarriage. Then a neighbor around the street lost and subsequently had to deliver a still-born baby at 28 weeks. and tonight, I got a phone call about a sweet couple who have found out that the girl has toxemia. They are 27 weeks along with their first baby - so very much like us - and now she cannot leave the hospital with the baby inside of her. She is stabilized for now, and we are all hoping that she can stay stable for two weeks until the doctors can try and take the baby and still give it a viable chance at a fragile life outside of the womb. And because toxemia is a permanent condition this will be her only pregnancy.

On other blogs that I read by friends who I only keep up with from a distance, comments like, "this baby has been a long time coming" or "we are so excited to finally announce a healthy pregnancy" hint at miscarriages and other heartbreaking problems that I do not want to know the details of.

Suddenly, "life is fragile" doesn't just apply to sad newspaper headlines...but to so many lives that we never really had a chance to know. Lives that never got to experience the fragility we encounter everyday when we open our eyes - or stretch our limbs and muscles. Sometimes I do not think I fully appreciate or comprehend the fragile process that resulted in creating and maintaining my own fragile life.

I am thinking about my friend in the hospital tonight. And I can only imagine how on the brink of motherhood, she isn't thinking about her own fragile life and the threats to it - but she is thinking about the fragile life inside of her.

And as I feel the reassuring pressure of a little hand or foot against my ribs I have to blink my eyes to keep from crying. We are so lucky, Trevor and I, to be entrusted with this fragile little life that we were not planning on, and didn't even know we wanted until it became more and more real. My heart breaks tonight for the hard things we must go through in this life, in the process of creating lives. And it also fills so full and grateful to know that at 32 weeks the second heartbeat within my body is as steady and strong as such a fragile thing can be.

Proud of Myself

2009-12-08T14:40:00.000-08:00

I just have to take a minute to say that I am really proud of myself. And here is why. I like teaching in higher education. Really, it is a great gig - especially for a second income (which we hope it will be for my family some day). I don't work every day of the week, I choose my own hours, I choose and design the material I work with - and what sets it apart from other teaching - I am not responsible for my students. Meaning, if they don't do their work and come to class this is not my problem, a luxury high school and el. ed teachers do not have.

And I have been really lucky to score the position I hold now, especially with just having a master's degree in a market flooded with English instructors. However, I have always known that to stay in the upper-ed game and have a decent shot at a tenure track position, I must have a PHD or, at the least, an MFA.

I came to DSC instead of applying straight to a doctoral program for a few reasons. 1 - Trev was still sick and we needed to catch our breath. 2 - my family is amazing and offered to let us live in their vacation home here. 3 - I just wanted to take a year off to study for the GRE Lit. Subject test.

The Lit Subject test is an incredibly intense, hours long entrance exam to be accepted into most PHD programs. To give an idea of how difficult it is, moderate programs require you to score in at least the 50th percentile. Competitive programs have much higher demands. But that just gives you an idea of how many people can botch it. Of course you can take the test multiple times, at $200.00 a pop. The subject matter covers everything in the English Cannon, from Beowulf to contemporary authors with a light smattering of world literature as well. There are also extensive questions on Literary Criticism theory, and identifying grammar as it is used in middle and old English. Questions range from "Identify these lines, and select the work they come from" to "Which of the following authors worked as an insurance agent in London?" Think Trivial pursuit.

Because of its random nature the test is criticized as not really being a measure of knowledge concerning the literature field. In fact most professionals I know in English Departments roll their eyes when asked about the validity and pedagogy of the test. But, it is what it is...and I have to take it eventually.

The best way to study is to read everything you can get your hands on, memorize as much as you can and then pray really hard.

So this is the studying I was supposed to be doing last year...supposed to...being the operative phrase. The test is only offered twice a year, and when it rolled around last month I knew there was no way I would preform well at all. So I decided to give myself another year. My husband provided the perfect excuse, after all, he is still in school here so I still needed to hold off on applying to programs elsewhere.

But I needed to start studying. Because I hadn't been very disciplined or successful on my own, I found a study partner. Another instructor in the same boat as me, here at Dixie. We have been studying for the last two weeks and it is amazing! I have done more in two weeks than I did all year. In two weeks I have read:

All of Christopher Marlowe's notable poetry
Dr. Faustus (Marlowe)
Tambulaine (Marlowe)
Beowulf
Bleakhouse (Dickens)
Great Expectations (Dickens)
All of Robert Browning's important poetry
All of Alfred Lloyd Tennyson's recommended works
A hefty selection of Sir Walter Raleigh
Material on the mythical and archetype literary criticism schools of thought

If you don't appreciate the HUGE amount of material this is - Google some of the books and consider their page numbers. Then consider that Beowulf is in old English, and that literary criticism is dreadfully boring.

After reading our assigned texts for the week, my colleague and I meet and each present the study guides we have prepared for the readings we were selected to note and present to each other. Our meetings have actually been really fun, productive and remind me of graduate school.

Having to report to another individual, who is not a good friend that I can easily blow off has made me so much more disciplined. I also love the effect that all this extra reading has had on my life the last few weeks. Instead of opting for an hour to relax on the couch and watch TV, I pick up a book. I have always read a lot - but not to the degree the last two weeks have entailed. I love how much more active my mind feels. And I am surprised that the veg. time I used to take everyday to some silly sitcom doesn't even feel appealing anymore.

Anyway - thanks for listening - and thanks for sending any encouraging GRE thoughts my way.

The Perfect Solution

2009-12-07T10:15:00.000-08:00

With neighbor gifts starting to roll into our residence (Thanks to all our sweet friends!) I have been trying to think up our own bit of "Christmas Cheer" to hand around this year. I have been crazy busy, and still not feeling great. Little miss/mr. Linderman has gotten big enough to locate and sit on my sciatic nerve over the last two weeks. This is not a pleasant feeling, and according to the doctor it isn't one I can do much about either. Oh well. So for these reasons I keep trying to explain to my husband that I am not going to be a doing a mad baking session of goodies that he gets to sample and try before they are delivered. I settled on the idea of making these funny little candy mice and taking plates around that quote, "On the night before Christmas, all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse." While explaining this idea to Trev last night the following conversation ensued:

Me: So that is what I'll be making.

Trev: What about making that fudge you make that has one layer of chocolate fudge, then one layer of peanut butter fudge and then is topped with crushed pecans and Carmel?

Me: That is way more work than the candy mice.

Trev: If I were getting a neighbor present I would rather have the fudge than the mice.

Me: You aren't getting a neighbor present. They are for the neighbors.

Trev: Oh. {moment of silence} I know then, how about you make the mice and the fudge and then I eat the fudge while you deliver the mice?

I laughed. But I have been thinking of the conversation since. And I just might duck out of the office a wee bit early today, to go home and make my sweetheart some fudge... :)

Geared Up

2009-11-22T14:00:00.001-08:00

I married a "Gear head" which, according the Urban Dictionary is: (n) A hiker whose main focus is backpacking and outdoor gear." I had to scroll across the entire page to be sure Trevor's picture was not uploaded anywhere along with the definition.

On second thought - maybe I will email his photo to the web-administrator, since he fits the ticket so perfectly.

Trevor loves outdoor anything...and really loves the outdoor anything equipment that comes with such activities. He has all sorts of backpacking, hiking, camping, white-water rafting, biking, and rock-climbing gear.So it on naturally follows that anyone who comes into Trevor's life must also be properly geared out. So it wasn't a huge surprise to me that for all the occasions since we have been married Trev has gifted me with gear. For my birthday the first year we were married I got hiking shoes, then I got a -15 degree mummy bag, then a backpack, then whitewater paddles and life jackets, then a bike rack, then biking gloves, camping lanterns, coleman stoves, an amazing cooler that I could literally fit a body in. In fact, this year is the first time he gave me something not out-doorsy for my birthday (an incredible sewing machine that all my family pitched in on and that deserves its own post coming soon!) And I am pretty sure that he only went that direction this year instead of in the rock0climbing gear way because I cannot wear a belay harness while I am pregnant.

And its not just me. As soon as Ripsi was big enough she got this to haul backpacking:And this to wear boating and rafting.PLUS - her life jacket matches ours!
We are such outdoor enthusiasts that one of our biggest concerns about the "baby development" is that we are going to lose a significant part of this life. And while we know things will change...instead of letting the baby beat us into staying home, we decided to enable the baby to join us in going out. So while most people might think of booties and blankets when it comes to baby gear - this is what we are thinking:

Stroller wheels that look like this:
So we can walking, jogging on trails that aren't perfectly paved.

And hiking mobility that looks like this:I love this pack. Trev's parents gave it to me for my birthday. It is a Kelty pack - which is probably my favorite backpacking brand - next to the way-too-expensive arcteryx brand.

And finally - last weekend when I met my mom, grandma and sister for a day of baby shopping in Provo, (also a soon-to-come-post) I got this!
This tent might be my favorite baby gear yet. How cool is it? It folds up teeny-tiny to a light 4lbs and is designed to take anywhere outdoors. This way when we are camping or hike in to hang out somewhere for a few hours and the baby falls asleep I can lay him/her in here on the little air mattress bottom, and zip them in safe from bugs, and dogs and too much sun. I really think this will come in handy. (Thanks again Mom and Grandma!)

So baby Linderman is off to a good start in the gear world. Trev has also been perusing these contraptions you can use to lift and lower your baby up cliff faces while rock-climbing. However, my love for gear ends there and I have given a solid "NO" to the entire idea. Our child will have to get a little (lot) bigger before I will feel good about watching it cling to rocks way up in the air. But until then...we have an extreme stroller, awesome kangaroo pack and fabulous, teeny-person tent.

Happy Birthday to....me

2009-11-05T16:00:00.000-08:00

It is true - today I am old. A whopping 25. Birthdays were so much more exciting when I was younger, but today has been a pretty nice one. As far as getting old goes. Trev has been at school all day - and I will celebrate with him later tonight, but I did want to quickly post one neat thing I got to do on my birthday for a present. A 3 D ultrasound. Crazy. The lady was really nice - she took a lot of pictures and was very careful to avoid any gender revealing shots. Here are my favorites. Click on them to make them bigger.Here is the baby sucking it's thumb. I also love the little toes down in the left hand corner.We were trying to get the baby to move around more - she/he was probably asleep - so we jostled my tummy around to get it to move and this is apparently what it thought about the whole idea, since it lifted both hands up to hide its face. And don't worry - for those of you staring intently at the space between those two legs at the bottom - the ultrasound lady assured me you couldn't see a thing down there - the umbilical cord is all wadded up in front of whatever parts may or may not be there.This is a little elbow resting on a knee. Isn't that cute? Check out the spine and ribs you can see as well. Still being camera shy - but check out that ear and chin.

This was the best face shot we could ever get - you can see nose and lips and eyes and fingers right up next to the mouth.
This last picture is especially for my mom. Every time my mom holds a sleeping baby she says the same thing, "Look at those little rosebud lips." So here you go mom - and soon-to-be grandma - look at those perfect rosebud lips!

A Hunting We Have Gone...

2009-11-04T20:12:00.000-08:00

I am late getting this up here - but just barely got the pictures put onto my computer.We went hunting again this year. I love hunting season. Ever since I was a little girl hunting has been a big event on my mom's side of the family. We all gather at our family land in Scofield Utah where we eat great food, see amazing animals and just generally relax and enjoy each other's company.This year was the best, because everyone's schedules worked out so that we could all be to the Mountain at the same time. Last year we missed hanging out with Lacy and Hank.
I also love to see the other hunters that come to our Mountain. The "California hunters" have been coming to the Mountain my whole life. These are wonderful men that have literally known me since I was a baby. They are always kind and are good for a joke, a political rant or two, and, of course, numerous stories about past hunting adventures.

We had extra fun this year zipping all around on the Rhino ATV's my grandparents bought. Trevor is now convinced he needs a street-worthy Rhino to go to school in. I have told him to just keep dreaming. :) The Rhino's were especially great because they ride the rough mountain roads a bit easier than the trucks do. I only got sick from the bumping once then entire time we were hunting - and the Rhino has no side windows- so vomiting was even convenient.Trev also harvested a nice deer, and just in time because we have used all of our meat from last year. I have already consumed nearly one entire smoked summer sausage by myself. Trevor tells me I am supposed to share that stuff, and I just smile and say that the baby made me eat it.

We really did have a wonderful time. Thanks to mom, Dan, Grandma, Grandpa and Lacy & Hank for being there. You are the best!

Too weird

2009-11-03T19:07:00.000-08:00

I know at the 20 week ultrasound you are supposed to primarily be excited. And I was excited to see our baby - I was also pretty freaked out. The last time we saw the little guy/gal it mostly looked like a little sausage. This time it looked like a baby. I know that should be comforting - and on one level it definitely is. But on another level I found myself thinking, "Oh dear. It really is a baby in there...a baby that is going to come out in a few months. Oh dear."
Though this anxiety subsided a bit when we got to watch its little hands and feet. That was pretty amazing. We watched the baby literally just kick and kick me for a minute. Which explains a lot about all of the movement I feel. Even the ultrasound tech said we have one of the wiggliest babies she has ever seen. It really is such a strange and incredible process. We did have the opportunity to find out the gender...but we closed our eyes and said we didn't want to know, so we are still holding strong on the "Let's do it the old-fashioned way" front. Anyone want to place any bets on what will be arriving in the next 4 1/2 months?

Picture Collage

2009-11-01T19:08:00.001-08:00

Click the link below to see a mural collage of all the guests that attended the Murder Mystery party

BigHugeLabs: Do fun stuff with your photos

Murder Mystery

2009-11-01T18:03:00.000-08:00

There is something everyone should know about me, and that is that I absolutely LOVE Halloween. It really and truly might be my favorite Holiday.

I have such great memories as a kid about Halloween - I loved the local carnival every year, and I loved going Trick-or-Treating with my Dad who always dressed up in an awesome costume. I loved the sweet little old ladies in my childhood neighborhood who went to great lengths to make Halloween special - Bessie Wilcox who was always Witchy Boo-Boo with a huge maze (made of blankets and cushions) in her house that we had to crawl through to find our treats (homemade popcorn balls) and Rusty Smith who made home-made candied or Carmel apples each year. What kid wouldn't love this?

Sometimes it really bums me out that trunk-or-treating has replaced the long, cold walks I loved taking as a kid, and that most parents don't trust their neighbors and frown on any kind of homemade trick-or-treats (which is so weird to me 'cause everyone exchanges homemade goodies at Christmas...but anyway) I know that is the world we live in...but it still makes me sad.

I was also super sad at that time in my life when I was too old to trick-or-treat - but still too young to attend Halloween parties.

And I am always bummed if we don't get to do something festive - which was the case last year.

So this year I refused to be a Halloween-bum. Enlisting the help of a friend - we decided to throw a murder mystery dinner party.

And so the planning began. We choose a vampire-themed murder mystery. It is built around the storyline that there is a global vampire slayer killing vampires throughout the world. So the most powerful vampires have gathered to figure out what to do. Of course, the Slayer is actually one of them, there is a murder and everyone must figure out who did it.

Murder mysteries operate on the concept that characters are quirky and extreme. Trev played the host character Stat LeBaCourt, who is known for telling ridiculous jokes and randomly bursting into song. Other characters would laugh hysterically every time someone said the word blood, etc. Each guest is assigned their character in advance and given costume suggestions. The dinner is divided into three sections - appetizers, dinner and dessert. At each session each guest receives a clue prompt that tells them clues to reveal to other guests in conversation and clues to conceal. During dinner the murder takes place. During the dessert round the characters accuse each other of being the murderer, and the murderer eventually reveals him or herself.There are also games played throughout the party. The best game was that guests were divided into 24 teams and given a roll of toilet paper to make a cape out of. One member of the group had to model the cape to "I'm Too Sexy." That was my favorite - it was hilarious.We served the following:

Appetizers:

Stuffed Eyeballs (stuffed olives)
Villain Vegetables (veggie tray)
Deviled Eggs

Dinner:

Blood Soup (home-made Tomato soup)
Dead bats Wings (home-made wings)
Soul-Sucking Salad (pasta salad)
Corpse Casserole (green bean casserole)
Funeral Potatoes
"I Can't Believe it's not Garlic" Garlic Bread

Dessert:

Graveyard Cups (pudding with oreos)

We had soo many funeral potatoes- the only thing we could mix them in was a cooler

We had 22 guests - so it was a good turnout. Everyone looked GREAT! We took pictures of each couple as they arrived, and I am now working to put a copy of each couple's picture into a thank you note to get out to them later this week.

It was a TON of work - we cooked the night before until 4 AM, we decorated the clubhouse where we held the party, we burned CD's for background music and then we had to clean it all up too.

PLUS - I made Trev's costume. He loved it and I also think it looked pretty good. He even wore it to work and a co-worker offered to buy all the material plus pay me to make him one for next year. So I was pretty proud of myself.

The only thing I am bummed about is that I was so busy hostessing and serving food I missed out on getting photos of the best parts of the night - like when some guests randomly broke into the Thriller dance when it was on. Or when Trev and Michelle C. led everyone in the "Time Warp" dance. Hilarious! Luckily, my friend Sarah said she got some of it on video - so when I get the files I will post them up here.

Overall, I think the party was pretty successful. There were some mishaps - we learned a lot about how to host and run a murder mystery party - so next year I think it will be even better. We are going to make it into an annual event, and already have next year's theme all picked out. It will be a Disney Character Themed murder mystery. I am way excited - now I just have to wait 12 more months. :)

So I am trying

2009-10-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

to nest.

I have actually been surprised at how NOT into baby stuff I have been. There is so much crap out there. I know we need to start stockpiling stuff...but I start to try and look at strollers or cribs and I just get completely overwhelmed, snap the lap-top shut and think that maybe if I don't think about it the kid will just never come out and require equipment that I might have to try to choose and buy.

Baby stuff is expensive...there is a ton of it...and some of it is even sorta creepy. And after all of the looking / shopping I have tried to do all I really have accomplished is to decide that I do not really like pastel shades or hippopotumsuses and lions on anything.

My little sister is so into the baby gear search I have told her to just buy two of everything she picks and let me know what my tab is.

However, I do want a perfect, cute nursery. I know this is silly. I know the kid doesn't care what color its walls or sheets are. But the nursery scheme is about the only thing I have been able to get a little excited about.

Way back before we even knew that we were expecting a baby, I asked a friend who is a budding artist to create a big mural for me. I love her modern, abstract, art style, but couldn't really think of any current rooms that demanded such a peice. So on a whim, I ordered a huge landscape style painting of the old classic nursery rhymes for a nursery or playroom someday. She made a small mock up version (pictured below) and it is the only picture I currently have. I love it. The only thing the photo doesn't capture is the texture to the whole thing. It is made of all sorts of organic and recycled materials, so in person it has a real 3-d look becuase so many things are layered on the canvas.

I have thought this is sort of the theme I want to base the nursery around - maybe something to do with nursery rhymes and really bright, jewel tones. But the more I look for complimentary nursery stuff the more frusterated I become. And I am starting to wonder if I am jsut going to end up sewing a crib quilt and curtains. I am not sure I am that ambitious.

So then I thought, what the heck, I know some of you out there end up with some time to kill during the work day. If, in your surfing of the net you feel so inclined to google "baby bedding" and see anything that goes with the picture below (total size is about the length of a crib, which is where I plan to hang it, above the crib) link me the URL. Or if you have any other suggestions...or if you want to just tell me I am nuts I will take those comments too.

On second thought...

2009-10-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

Maybe wearing a long, flowy- behemain inspired dress that is tie-died bright blue, green and red is not a good idea when you are 5 months pregnant. Maybe it actually does make you look like a woodstock blimp.Yup. pretty sure I look something like this...only tie-died.

Growing...

2009-10-21T16:30:00.001-07:00

Remember when you were a little kid and your mom would say things like, "You just shot up overnight?" I swear there were nights I would go to bed in elementary school and then wake up with pants that were too short. Until I hit seventh grade and halted at my current 5'2 stature. I once heard that some kids grow so fast they can get stretch marks down their legs.

Being pregnant is kind of like that.

One month ago:

Yesterday:

Cousins by chance, Friends by choice

2009-10-13T21:05:00.001-07:00

There is nothing like having cousins when you are a kid. They are your built-in best friends. I have so many very cherished memories of spending Saturdays and Summer days playing, talking and hanging out with my cousins. At family reunions and events they are the ones I am most excited to see. When our grandmas send out newsletters they are the ones I most anxiously read about. I still think about them even though I haven't seen some for years and we live on opposoite sides of the country, becuase cousins are truly childhood playmates that grow up to be your forever friends.

Which is why I am so EXCITED for my baby to have so many cousins and second-cousins arriving around the same time!

On Trevor's maternal side there are four cousins that are close in age. Trev, Ty, Ryan and A.J. We really enjoy spending time with all of them, and are especially close with Ty and his wife Erin. Ty and Erin have a beautiful little girl who is six months old. I cannot wait for our kids to play together. Ryan and his wife Amy are expecting a little girl in January, and we just found out that AJ & his wife Summer will have a little one in May. We talked to Trev's grandpa on the phone last night and he said it best, "I am going to have tons of little great-grandkids soon." All of this eqauls 3 cousins and playmates for our baby

Then there is my Flamm family side (relatives of my stepmother). We are a really close family. One of my favorite events every two years is the Flamm Family reunion. We held a reunion this summer - and I already cannot wait for 2011 because then we will have my little rugrat running around along with My cousin Emily & Will's AND my other cousin Jared & Cassie's. Add another 2 cousins for our little guy/gal.

Of course, we can't stop counting cousins there - On Trevor's dad's side we also just learned our cousin Emily and her husband are expecting a baby just shortly after us. We don't get to see them much, but are excited for them, and extra excited for our Grandma Thelma who gets her first two great-grandchildren right in a row. So that makes 1 more cousin!

All of these SIX second cousins will be fun, BUT...the very best cousin we are expecting of all, has to be a first cousin! That is right. Lacy, my baby sister, is also expecting. And get this - my due date is March 15, 2010...Lacy's is March 18, 2010. Now how crazy is that?

October Play

2009-10-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

In May I was asked to help create and perform a play in our church ward. I agreed and set out to write a 40 minute play, complete with music, three different acts, stage directions and prop instructions. About a day after I started writing I realized what a HUGE project it would be.

Getting into costume backstage

After writing up a script I ran it by two other incredible women - Sister Hukill & Sister Call. They gave it a go ahead and we cast our characters.

Blurry Lamanites

I thought my part was primarily done, but it turned out I was also asked to co-direct the play with Jan (Sister Call). We scheduled play practice for each Tuesday night and began.

Because there were nearly 40 members from our ward involved it became quite a challenge to first, get people to show up to practice, and second direct that many people at practice! I really have to hand it to Jan, because she has a much more director-ish personality than me. She really stepped up to the plate and got everyone moving in the right direction.One of our Lamanites

Meanwhile - our original costume designer had to back out because of some family emergencies out of town, so myself and two other ladies also began to sew costumes.The opening Sunday School scene - that is me - playing the Sunday School teacher

We practiced, practiced, practiced. Our performance date was set for October 10, and we held our first dress rehearsal the Tuesday before.

I would by lying if I said the dress rehearsal ran smoothly, Trevor, who was in the play said it best as we walked home together: "We really could do like 12 more dress rehearsals before we are totally ready."The BOM characters coming out of the Book of Mormon

We tried another dress rehearsal Friday night, Oct. 9, and I am pretty sure it was even more rough than the first. We decided that we also needed to do another rehearsal Saturday morning. So we did - and it went a little bit better. However, we learned that the man who was planning to run our spotlights suffered a heart attack that morning. We were relieved to learn that he was ok, and just needed to rest. We were also extra relieved that my grandparents were here and stepped up to the spotlight plate.

The opening scene in Act II - the entire cast singing and dancing

Even though there were some major set backs there were also some major victories. The man who made our large Book of Mormon prop was AWESOME! It looked so good! The opening act of the play calls for some characters who represent Book of Mormon characters to be inside a large book that looks like it is open on its side. The book is back-lit with a huge spotlight and at first all the audience sees are the shadows of the characters inside of the book. It turned out to be amazing.

Trevor as Helaman with one of his warriors

Many of our cast members - the BOM characters in particular were amazing. Trevor played Helaman and was so cute!This is the group of little boys I worked with - singing their big song. Notice Trev in the background

We also had some young men and young women and primary kids really come through for us. I practiced with the primary kids every Friday afternoon in addition to Tuesday nights.One of my favorite scenes

Word of our play also seemed to spread throughout the area. The week of the play the Bishop called and told us we needed to plan for an extra 100 people in the audience. Turns out people were coming from out of town, from the stake and all over to watch the play. Trev and I alone had 15 extra people planning to come to support us.Yes, this is me, playing the part of an Ensign Writer

This would have been less problematic if all we had to do was set up chairs, but we had planned for a ward dinner to proceed for the first hour before the play began. Luckily, the ward dinner was an easy potluck. Ward members had been asked to bring either 1- plain spaghetti noodles, 2- spaghetti sauce, 3- plain green salad, 4-salad dressing, or 5-a dessert. The ward just had to provide the breadsticks, plates and utensils. We made some extra phone calls, and instructed all cast members to tell any extra visitors to bring some food.

Saturday night the place was packed! We barely had enough food - and I think the desserts may have run out a little early. The play started right on time.King Benjamin in the final scene

And it went....practically perfectly! I really could not believe it. Everyone really came together. They remembered their lines, they delivered them wonderfully, they sang loud and danced well. Everyone in the audience stayed. The audience laughed at the super-cheesy lines in my script and it was just amazing.Singing the final, closing song

At the end of the play, after our curtain call, two kind cast members called for me, Sister Call, and Sister Hukill to come up. They gave us each a dozen roses. The bishopric also gave us a bouquet of lilies. It was so sweet and touching. I couldn't sleep that night because I just kept thinking about how far we had all come and how well it went.

I am so grateful to live in a wonderful neighborhood, with such a nice sense of community. We really became close with the other cast members, and I think the experience as a whole was good for everyone. The following Sunday our ward held fast and testimony meeting, and I was surprised how many people spoke about the play - both cast and audience members.

It was a ton of work, but probably one of the coolest church activities I have ever been involved in. For anyone who is interested - here is a link to the script: http://gvsecondward.blogspot.com/ Remember - it is a goofy Mormon comedy and it was my first play-writing attempt - so no harsh judgments please! :)

Just some thoughts...

2009-10-11T15:39:00.001-07:00

Guilt

2009-10-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

I know you know about me.

I know you have been looking my way, sighing and shaking your head in disappointment.

I have read the comments - the subtle and the blatant.

I have even dodged some phone calls...because I know the subject would be brought up in conversation.

I admit my guilt. I am a BAD BLOGGER.

Seriously, I am. And I drive myself crazy. I thrive on your updates, your witty diatribes, the dramatic accounts of your every-day events - and yet, when I sit down to write all of my own stuff seems so boring.

Or, maybe that is what I tell myself so I don't have to write - so that I can just contentedly lurk around in your blogs and worlds while contributing nothing to my own.

Or, perhaps I am just busy...this seems like an accurate justification. After all, I work, have been writing-directing-and this weekend finally producing a HUGE ward play, I have been sewing costumes, planning hall-o-ween parties, gearing up for the primary program, cooking, cleaning, walking the dog, getting ready for hunting season, sorta shopping for baby paraphernalia, Studying for the GRE subject test, reading for book club, switching from summer crops to winter crops in my garden, organizing the basement, scrap booking like mad, dealing with the backyard Sprinkler system and occasionally hanging out with my husband.

Or, maybe I am still in some sort of pregnancy depression/exhaustion funk. Evidenced by the fact that I am down to three pairs of pants that still fit (one pair that is turquoise and the other pair brown cords...and let's be honest, how many times a week can you pull those off?) and by the following comment from an eight-year-old in my neighborhood: "You look like a bee stung your belly. You are poofy."

Or, it could be that I avoid blogging now because my lovely little laptop died after extensive warning from my husband that there were too many pictures on the hard-drive and as penance for my sins He is dragging his feet on fixing it for me. And no lap-top means no pictures, and isn't that what you all really look for anyway?

And you would know all of that if only I was a better blog updater.

All excuses, justifications and cuteness aside, I really am sorry. I promise to do better. And - because blog posts are better with pictures and because my computer is still broken. Here are some chickens.

There is Life

2009-09-21T16:10:00.000-07:00

After the first trimester of pregnancy.

I have been missing for a little while. To say I am just crawling out of a dark hole of depression would maybe only be a little bit of an overstatement. Maybe.

My first trimester has been a little rough. I told Trevor, there are a lot of things in life I am really good at, but being pregnant is not one of them.

I haven't blogged anything in all that time because I was afraid if I did I would just end up whining.

In the last three days though I am just starting to finally feel a little more like myself. After 12 weeks of throwing up multiple times a day, sometimes just seconds after trying to eat, of not feeling hunger pains just overwhelming waves of nausea that tell me I need to eat before I get more sick, of stomach cramps and dizzy spells that climaxed into me actually passing out (in a skirt!) in front of my students one morning, and pregnancy-related onset of hypoglycemia it is good to just start to feel somewhat normal again.

After telling Trevor that this baby had succeeded in its plot to be an only child. After thinking I would never feel like doing anything I love ever again. After thinking I would never be able to smell anything sweet ever again. After living in a state of utter disrepair because I couldn't stomach the smell of cleaning supplies or cleaning itself, life is finally looking a bit better.

I am used to doing so much I have been incredibly frustrated by the sudden inability to do everything I wanted to do. Sunday was the first time in weeks that I made a big, beautiful dinner that my husband raved about (all without vomiting) and it felt so good to have a clean kitchen and a pretty table, it surprises me how much such simple things are a huge part of my sense of identity and security.

The last four days have been good. I still get dizzy and shaky - so I have had to abandon my beloved high-heeled shoes - and I am achy and tired all the time. But these symptoms are a walk in the park to where I am coming from. I am starting to feel hungry again and even though I am tired I can do more because I don't feel so sick on top of the tired anymore.

I have to thank all my friends and family members who have listened to me cry. I know it might sound crazy and selfish, but the last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my entire life. I seem to be in a good streak now and am just hoping to hang on to that. I really don't know how women do this over and over again. I don't know how women with little kids do it. I have hardly been able to take care of myself and my husband - I can't imagine taking care of anyone else. My husband has been sweet. Of the two of us I am definitely the more nurturing spirit, and Trev has really had to try in the last few weeks. He has been sweet and I really do appreciate everything he has tried to do. He is a good man.

Here is to being back...I hope.

New Favorite-est pregnancy conversation

2009-09-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

While visiting with good friends:

B: "Hey Chelsi, I have the perfect cosutme for you this Halloween."
Me: "If you say a pumpkin I will throw this shoe at your head."
B: "No, not a pumpkin."
Me: "If you say anything that makes me look even fatter I will throw this shoe at your head."
B: "An Anaconda!"
Me: "An Anaconda?"
B: "yeah, an anaconda that just ate something...cause you know how they get that buldge after they eat? You would be a perfect anaconda."

I think I may have hissed as I laughed hysterically and the random suggestion.

Yes. Yes I am.

2009-08-31T17:11:00.001-07:00

Funny moment today. At eleven weeks I am starting to show already! How depressing is that? I have been wearing looser, more flow-y-ish clothes, but there is definitely a bump there. So I suppose I should not have been really surprised today when walking across campus I ran into a student from last Fall and had the following conversation:

Me: "How are you? How has your summer been?"
Student: "Good. It was great. How are you?"
Me: "I'm good."
Student: "Are you...pregnant?"

My face must have said it all, because he immediately began scrambling. However, it got worse before it got better.

Student: "I just mean....You were always super skinny."
Me: Saying nothing, just letting him fluster
Student: "I mean...you are still super skinny but it just looks like there is a bump there. It's a cute bump, even if it's not cause you are pregnant. I mean...gosh...this isn't something you should ever say is it? I just....I really hope you are pregnant."

Lucky for him I am. Just for a moment though - had I been able to act indignant enough I might have let him think he had done what he thought he might have done. He gave me a real headache over a paper once, and if I could have mustered up the acting skills to be mortally offended and let him be horrified I would have chalked it up to karma.

But I couldn't. So I owned up. Let him take his foot out of his mouth and graciously accepted his congratulations.

"Books let us into their souls, and lay bare for us the secrets of our own"

2009-08-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

Last May while traveling in California, I met a stunning woman, named Suzanne. She is the sister of a mutual friend we were traveling with and she was kind enough to entertain all of us for a lovely evening at her home. As we visited she and I talked and talked about books. We created and exchanged reading lists with one another and as I left she actually pulled a book off her shelf and gave it to me, with the caveat that I would email her when I read it and share my thoughts. The book is one of the most complex I have ever read.
It is fabulous and heartbreaking. In fact, I haven't finished reading it yet because I can only read it in small sets of time, otherwise it all seems too much to consider. I can't put my finger on why it is so moving to me yet. It is horrifying and terrible and so relatable at the same time. The characters are deeply flawed, and while I am so dissapointed in their continual bad decisions, I also find myself reading with urgency to see what they will do next.

I am the first to admit that it is never good to blindly recommend a book, and I have not finished it yet. But I am DYING to discuss it with someone. I would choose it for my book club pick, but have a feeling that the conversation about it wouldn't go far with some of the members based on the fact that the book is rooted in the story of Frank Llyod Wright & Mamah Borthwick Cheaney's affair. It is a pretty conservative club and I am just not sure it would go over well. Not that the book makes you an advocate for affairs, like I said, I find myself continually frusterated and disgusted by the decisions the characters make. But the book does bring up a lot of complex, very human emotions that I think should be considered: feminism, a 'woman's place,' maternal love vs. romantic love, self-justification and denial, the way individuals can 'fall' into things, duty, obligation and so much more. Not to mention that the writing is absolutely lovely.

Anyhow - I just read another segment, and the overspill of emotion that resembles something like "what do I do with this" is probably what this post is born out of. I truly am resisting the urge to send out mass emails and texts ordering you all to read it and report your thoughts back to me.

You look like a......

2009-08-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

Trevor and I are watching "Heros Season 3," streaming it on Netflix this afternoon. Because I married a geek we have a computer piped through our big screen TV, so we are a big fan of streaming netflix on-line. So we are watching. Rather, Trevor is watching and I am sleeping. Just as the episode ends I wake up and start to sit up.

Trevor: looks at me and says "You look like a mermaid right now."
Me: "A mermaid?"
Trevor: "Yeah, a mermaid."
Me: "On the couch?"
Trevor: "Yeah. A mermaid on the couch."

Husbands are so weird.

Flutters?

2009-08-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

Last time we were at the doctor, while looking at the ultrasound, the doctor told me if the baby always moves as much as it was in the picture I should start to feel flutters soon, maybe even in the next week or two.

Last night there was the oddest sensation in my stomach. I don't know how to really explain it - other than maybe if there was someone blowing a bubble in my stomach the bubble popped. Not in a painful way - but just like there was some sort of quick expansion and then decrease. I have felt the same feeling once this morning.

I have no idea what it was...so my question is for all you mommies out there, what does a flutter feel like?

A Baby Story

2009-08-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

You may recall that a couple of months ago I blogged about my conflicting emotions of starting a family anytime soon. It is true that the idea of having a baby has come up a few times in the last couple of years and Trev and I flirted with the possibility - but always decided that it wasn't something we were ready for quite yet. For a couple of reasons:

1 - Just before we were married I was told that it would be really difficult for me to get pregnant because I have a "disoriented uterus." Don't you love that term? Makes it sound like my uterus was bonked on the head and has a concussion and is absently wandering around in my body. While the doctor at that time told me I could probably carry a baby if I were to get pregnant she indicated that it may take an in-vitro process to make that happen. As an odd side note - my mom was told that she would likely never have children and my little sister was told it would be really difficult for her to have a child as well. So - I guess we are just weird or something.

2 - We just weren't ready yet. Trev is still doing the school thing, I am getting ready to do the back-to-phd-school thing and, as selfish as it sounds, there were simply other things we still wanted to do.

So our last big conversation resulted in both of us deciding that right now we were content to live this life that we love just the two of us. Then about seven weeks ago I woke up at 3:30 AM and threw up. And I kept throwing up for the following days. After about five days Stacey took me to the store and I bought the infamous "test."

It would be a lie to say that I was thrilled at the result. To be honest, I had a little bit of a break-down. I cried. I know that probably sounds awful to some of you. I know how lucky I am to have this baby when so many incredible people have complications in this department. But - right or wrong - it was how I reacted. It caught me by surprise and I was totally overwhelmed. It was an odd emotional expereince. What was most interesting to me was how immediately protective I became. I remember thinking, "I know I don't really want this rightn ow, but please don't let anything happen to make it go away." It is an odd emotion. I read once that a mother's love is immeidate and instictual. That is the best way I can think to describe how I felt.

Becuase I was still not quite ok with the fact that I was now pregnant it was important to me that Trev not see me that way. Isn't it always supposed to be the guy who freaks at the news? :) I left early and went to work. Trev told me later that when he came home and I wasn't there he just knew.

My husband is amazing. And he is such a good balance for me. Each time life throws us a loop he lets me melt down and then is there to tell me it is all going to be ok. By the time I came home from work he was cooking dinner and had bought flowers for me. He is wonderful. Even though Trev already knew he let me tell him. And when I started to ramble he held me an told me how wonderful it was and how excited he was. And how even though we we had recently decided against this, it was just the universe's way of telling us we made the wrong choice. He talked about how I was going to be a great mom and how we could do this. I love him. His acceptance and excitement helped me so much. It still took me a few days to wrap my mind around the situation and to get excited for myself, but for those few days I could hold onto his excitment and it made it all ok.

We have been to the doctor twice now. At our last appointment we were actually able to see the little thing. It was cruising all over and waving its arms and legs. It is such a strange sensation to know there is another body within your body, to know that there are two hearts beating under your skin. We are due March 15, 2010. That puts me at 11 weeks on Sunday. I know things could still change - but if something does happen I figure I would need all of your support anyway - so we are letting the cat out of the bag.

So far things have been ok. I have been sick, sick, sick. It is odd that ever since I found out at 5 weeks I haven't been able to even eat sugar or anything sweet. It seems all my body wants is fruit and vegetables. I can't even eat NERDS - and those who know me well - know how serious that is. So I am hoping it is a sign that our kid will be a total health nut.

Oh - and for those of you so eagerly looking forward to the result of the gender ultrasound I am sorry to dissapoint you. We are not going to find out the sex of the baby til it's born. So think gender nuetral. I know, I know, we are crazy. Trev has never wanted to find out, and to be honest, I am still just processing "baby". All I really care about is that it is healthy.

There you have it folks - all the details. How crazy is this?

"Life is what happens

2009-08-18T15:50:00.001-07:00

to you when you are busy making other plans."

John Lennon could not have been more right.

Trevor and I were planning to take a cruise to Mexico this coming January....

We were planning multiple, multiple day bike trips for next summer.....

We were planning a lot of things. But it seems that, quite literally, LIFE is what happens when you are making other plans.Surprise.

Sorry the picture is so fuzzy. We don't have a scanner at home...so this is a picture of the picture of our baby...whom, of course, we are now making new plans for.

More details soon. :)

"Oh what do you do in the summer time...

2009-07-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

When your in-laws come to visit?" (A slight primary song rendition)

Oh what do you do in the summertime when all the world is green?
Do you hike up a hill, to a view that's surreal, because you are up so high?
Is that what you do? So do I!Oh what do you do in the summertime when all the world is green?
Do you swim in a pool, to keep yourself cool as all the clouds float by?
Is that what you do? So do I!

Oh what do you do in the summer time when all the world is green?
Do you climb up the rocks, til your wife hollers stop, then laugh until you cry?
Is that what you do? So do I!

For Rissa...

2009-07-12T22:32:00.001-07:00

For a pretty decent portion of my life my cousin Clarissa and I have been told that we look alike or that we look like sisters. When I switched schools from Ririe to Madison it took awhile to convince everyone that I was just Rissa's cousin and not her sister.

Rissa and I haven't seen each other for years. We live completely different lives - she is an adorable mother of two - soon to be three and lives in Texas and I am...well, if you read this blog you know who and what I am. In fact - I am not sure we have spent hardly any time together since we have been married. I think I have only met her husband Pat a couple of times and while she knows Trev from high school we haven't all exactly hung out. We do, however, keep in touch via the blog network. Which is why her comment on my last post about the Moab fabulousness absolutely made me crack up:

Pat was looking at this picture of you guys and said---"Wow, that looks like it could be a picture of Trevor Linderman and you....except your hair isn't red, and you don't hike." I wish I had your hair (as you already know from my chopping-your-hair-off days) and that I hiked. Way to be both.

The comment took me right back to those old look-a-like days and I couldn't help but think of a time in my life - really maybe the only time - that I really thought I was lucky enough to resemble my beautiful cousin. So I dug into old picture files and found these:
Forgive the goofy wanna-be-model poses. I was 19, bored one night in a foreign country. While living in Russia my red hair became a sort of curse. Red hair isn't a common trait in Russian genetics and in old Russian culture redheads are considered to be "lucky" Because of this there were times that we would be out and I would have strangers petting my head, which, may be one of the most random violating things. So one day at an outdoor market my friend Christy and I picked up wigs. Ironically, Christy bought a red wig just for fun and I bought a blonde wig to wear on occasion - especially late at night. These pictures were taken of us "modeling" our wigs. I remember printing the pictures at a Russian kiosk and after picking them up looking through them and saying "Holy crap. I really do kinda look like Rissa. Weird."

So - Riss - Pat - these are for you. I always considered it the highest compliment to be compared to you. I think it must be those Sutton cheeks. Love you - as for the rest of my dear readers - Moab coming soon, Promise.